Prayers for justice, for the fall of prison walls, are prayers for hope. On the night hope fell, Fr Benedict Groeschel served upon me a summons from the Highest Court.
I don’t think I have ever struggled with a post as I struggle now with this one. It is painful to write, and, in part at least, I know it will be painful to read. What I am about to describe is an earlier scene in the story of my own passion narrative that you do not know about, and now it is time to put it openly before you. I only ask you to withhold judgment for the judgment on this story is not yours to have. And I ask that you bear with me to the end for, as you will read, that is exactly what I am doing.
This confession of sorts was prompted by the 54-day Rosary Novena in which so many readers of These Stone Walls are engaged on my behalf. Many others who could not commit to that effort are offering prayers and sacrifices for those who are. Some include our friend, Pornchai Maximilian Moontri in these prayers, and I am most grateful for that. I mentioned in a post two weeks ago that I have been simply lost for words by this outpouring of faith and hope, and I will have something to say about it in my post this week.
But that was not entirely true. I have not been as “lost for words” as I claimed. It’s just that the words that come, the words that I must convey to you now, are from a time when my own faith and hope fell into the darkest of nights, and I fear you may think less of me for it. That is what I risk for total candor, but I risk far more if I do not speak up.
When my post, “Seven Years Behind These Stone Walls” appeared on TSW on June 29, some readers surprised me with an overture to begin a 54-Day Rosary Novena for the cause of justice. It was to begin on the following day, June 30, the Commemoration of the First Martyrs of the Church of Rome.
Your prayer for me is much more a prayer for hope, and you may have no idea how much that prayer is needed. Most have no idea how fragile hope can be for the falsely accused. TSW reader, Helen, sent me a note asking if I am conscious of the prayer support of so many. What I have been most conscious of is what happened on the morning this Rosary Novena began.
At 3:00 AM that Thursday morning, June 30th, I was awakened in my cell from a very vivid and troubling dream. You know that in February I underwent surgery and now have a seven-inch scar extending under my ribcage from the front to my side. In the dream, I woke up with a strange sensation. I lifted my shirt to discover with horror that my scar had opened and blood and water were pouring out from it drenching everything. It was not water mixed with blood. Both were streaming out of the open wound, blood on one side and water on the other. I tried to put my hand over it to stop it, but the flow continued right through my hand. It went on for a long time, and in my subconscious mind this was somehow connected with your prayers.
When I finally awoke for real, I quickly sat up and lifted my shirt. I grabbed my book light and a mirror, but all was dry and the scar was sealed and intact. It was a little after 3:00 AM and I was filled with anxiety and had trouble breathing.
So I got up and paced around this cell. Soon after, Pornchai was awakened in the bunk above me. He asked me what was wrong. I was shaken, but I told him about the dream. As I spoke, he glanced over my shoulder at the Divine Mercy image on our cell wall. Pornchai got it immediately, but I am a little slow in such matters. Saint Faustina wrote:
“During prayer I heard these words within me: The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the Water which makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls… These two rays issued forth from the very depth of my tender mercy when my agonized heart was pierced by a lance on the Cross… Happy is the one who will dwell in their shelter for the just hand of God shall not lay hold of him” (Diary, 299).
Later that morning, I called Father George David Byers and told him about this dream. It was only then that I connected it with an event in the Gospel of John (19:34), “But one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and at once there came out blood and water.” Please do not misunderstand me. I have no messianic delusions whatsoever. Christ asked, and I merely fled. The first stunning lines of Francis Thompson’s haunting, ‘The Hound of Heaven” capture best what happened when I was first issued a summons to Divine Mercy:
“I fled him, down the night and down the days; I fled him, down the arches of the years; I fled him, down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind; and in the midst of tears, I hid from him.”
CHRIST AT THE CROSSROADS
A note on John 19:34 describes the flow of blood and water as evidence of Christ’s humanity, that place where His life and that of fallen humanity intersects. The dream has stayed with me through the days of your prayers, and I find it to be both scary and hopeful. The hardest, most unrepentant criminal here fears only one thing: dying in prison. You can imagine then the toll that such a prospect takes on someone wrongfully imprisoned.
So of course I want your prayers to have real meaning, and to succeed despite the fact that I am not worthy of them. I am not worthy of them because there was a time in my life when, on the night of my own Gethsemane, faith and hope utterly failed me and I fell. In my hopelessness, I attempted to take my own life, and was hospitalized for it.
I have to try to convey the context. It was May of 1993, weeks after I had been accused. At the time, ironically, I served in ministry as Director of Admissions of the New Mexico Servants of the Paraclete residential center for priests.
There is no point in the details, but what I did was serious, and deadly, and I should not have survived it. But I did survive. It is one thing for someone justly accused to face such charges, but to be falsely accused, summarily declared guilty by my own bishop and diocese, disposed for the sake of thirty pieces of silver, is devastating for a priest.
Complicating this picture was the fact that I have epilepsy – specifically, complex-partial seizure disorder with a focus bilaterally in the temporal lobes. That, combined with the crushing experience of being falsely accused and discarded, swept away in a moment of despair all frame of reference for my life as a priest, and left me drained of all resources.
This was a time when the U.S. church was reeling over the sudden emergence of many such claims from decades past, and many in the Church pretended to believe them all just to ease the path to quick, quiet financial settlement. It was the dawn of what Father George David Byers described as “The Judas Crisis.” As my broken spirit descended into chaos, I believed that a sacrifice was required, the sacrifice of the life of a priest, and I believed I was to be that sacrifice. It was a moment when all hope went out of my world, and my faith and sanity fell along with it.
By some miracle of actual grace, I survived. On that night late in May of 1993 I regained consciousness in the Intensive Care Unit of Albuquerque Presbyterian Hospital. I did not, for a time, know where, or even who I was, but within a day my mind came back on line as though rebooted. I felt the deepest darkest shame and despair over this shattering of all hope as my life and priesthood lay before me in utter ruins.
My friend, Father Clyde Landry, was there with me. He told me that I had written a letter to the Servant General, Father Liam Hoare, asserting my innocence of these charges, but asking his forgiveness for the sacrifice of my life because of the harm these false claims brought upon priesthood and Church. I do not know what became of that letter.
That night in my hospital room, my friend Father Clyde brought me something that he knew I treasured and might want. It was a portable shortwave radio. Later, when I was alone, still deeply shattered, I turned it on and placed the earpiece in my ear. I randomly turned the dial, then stopped suddenly.
I had used that radio on many nights as I surfed the shortwave band for broadcasts from around the world, but I had never before come across what I heard that night in Gethsemane. I distinctly heard intoned the “Salve Regina,” and then an announcer’s voice that I was listening to EWTN broadcasting on a shortwave band from Irondale, Alabama. Then I heard a clear and very familiar voice. It was the voice of someone I had known well many years earlier, but lost touch with. The lilting voice and Yonkers accent were unmistakable. It was Father Benedict Groeschel.
MY GIFT TO THE LORD: AN EMPTY VESSEL
Some time ago, I wrote a post in defense of Father Groeschel entitled, “Father Benedict Groeschel at EWTN: Time for a Moment of Truth.” What happened on the night I am now describing is why I wrote that post. He was accused of calling into question a claim of victimhood in the Catholic scandal, and the Gospel of Political Correctness that American bishops had cowardly agreed to was not going to spare him. The wolves began to circle Father Groeschel and several Catholic institutions he so generously served all began to get some distance from him. In my challenging post, I drew a line in the sand that many stood behind. “Not this time! Not this priest!” I wrote.
I wrote that post because twenty years earlier, Father Benedict Groeschel entered my darkest night with a message of hope, and a plan for redemption when all was lost. In that hospital bed that night, it was as though he was addressing me directly. I can only paraphrase it here, and hope that I am doing it justice:
“When life seems as though it has fallen apart, and you face an immeasurable sense of loss, whether the cause is tragic illness, or loss of a loved one, or financial ruin, or public shame, or grave injustice, the loss of all hope seems to be the final loss. It leaves you as though an empty vessel which you feel can never be filled again. This is a crucial and vulnerable time. It is also a moment when God is nearest to you.”
Father Groeschel went on that night to speak of the only response left for an empty vessel: a spirit of abandonment and surrender to God’s Providence. God alone can fill what has been torn asunder by the forces of this world. “Surrender control, for control of your life is an illusion,” he said. “Embrace surrender to God’s Providence so that your empty vessel may serve Him in the salvation not just of your soul, but of many souls.” I was, for perhaps the first time in my life, ready to hear these words and absorb them. Nothing made sense up to then, but Father Groeschel made total sense.
You may remember a post of mine about the suicide of another priest from my diocese, Father Richard Lower. I wrote of this tragedy in “The Dark Night of a Priestly Soul.” After being informed by Monsignor Edward Arsenault of the emergence of a decades-old sexual abuse claim, Father Lower was given the usual 24 hours to vacate his parish and residence without a word to his parishioners whom he had served for a dozen years. He was to be just another priest who disappears in the night. In his darkest night, he walked out to a deserted mountain path and took his own life. In “The Dark Night of a Priestly Soul” I wrote that I would have given anything to have been on that path with him. It’s because I HAVE been on that path, and I survived.
Some twenty-six accused U.S. Catholic priests have taken their own lives since the U.S. Bishops entered into The Judas Crisis by presuming every money-driven claim against a priest to be true. Whatever cynic presumes from this their guilt knows nothing of the identity of priesthood and its permanent bond with the notion of sacrifice. No priest should be required to sacrifice his life to satisfy the demands of contingency lawyers, insurance companies, and the agendas of those who despise the Church.
THE SUMMONS OF DIVINE MERCY
The summons served upon me by Father Benedict Groeschel that night came from the Highest Court of justice, a Court in which Divine Mercy is its mirror image. It was actually the second time that summons was served. The first time was exactly one month earlier. A friend and coworker in the Servants of the Paraclete ministry to priests was Father Richard Drabik, MIC. He was also my spiritual director. You may recognize him as the former Provincial Superior of the Marian Fathers of the Immaculate Conception, and the author of the Preface to the Diary of Saint Maria Faustina.
In early April, 1993, Father Drabik came to my office with a request. He was leaving for Rome a week later to concelebrate Mass at the Beatification of (then) Blessed Faustina on Divine Mercy Sunday, April 18, 1993. Father Drabik invited me to draft a petition that he would place on the altar at the Beatification. The petition I wrote was this simple note sealed in a small envelope:
“I ask for the intercession of Blessed Faustina that I may have the courage to be the priest God intends for me to be.”
Fifteen days after the Beatification, I was charged with crimes alleged to have taken place over a decade earlier, crimes that never took place at all, and the violent emptying of the vessel of my life and priesthood began. Two weeks later, the courage I asked for gave way to hopelessness as I lay in ICU hearing this summons repeated by Father Benedict Groesechel.
So on that awful night, I solemnly vowed to go the distance, to remain an empty vessel with hope and trust as my only choices in life while discerning God’s Providence. Since then, as you know if you have been an attentive reader of These Stone Walls, that summons to Divine Mercy has become woven into every fiber of my life, and not only my life, but many others.
The stunning evidence for this is found in many places, but one of the more striking is the medical miracle confirmed as attributed to Saint Faustina by the Vatican Congregation for the Cause of Saints. The recipient of that miracle was Mrs. Maureen Digan who shares a chapter along with Pornchai Moontri in Felix Carroll’s wondrous book, Loved, Lost, Found: 17 Divine Mercy Conversions. Seeing Pornchai’s and Maureen’s stories together in that volume is to see Divine Mercy come full circle in my life and priesthood, and this empty vessel filled with hope beyond imagining. I thank you for your heroic prayers for justice on my behalf. The most fundamental aspect of justice is the preservation of hope.
“O Blood and Water which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as Fount of Mercy for us, I trust in You.” (Diary of Saint Faustina, 309)
“To priests who proclaim and extol My mercy, I will give wondrous power; I will anoint their words and touch the hearts of those to whom they will speak” (Diary of Saint Faustina, 1521).
Editor’s Note: This post continues next week on These Stone Walls with “Saint Maximilian Kolbe: A Knight at My Own Armageddon.”
And with joy and thanksgiving, Father Gordon MacRae wants you to know about the publication of an inspiring biography, A Friar’s Tale: Remembering Father Benedict J.Groeschel, C.F.R. by John Collins available from Our Sunday Visitor.
Madge Nk says
August 18, 2016 at 1:34 PMFr. Gordon,
I don’t mean to diminish your experience by comparison, but your revelation produced ,in me, an identical response to what I felt after Michael Voris’s revelation. He spoke for the first time about his homosexual past, when he discovered an attempt was being made to expose and discredit him.
These revelations rather than disappoint, make me love you more, makes me see the mercy of God and the beauty of doing His will. You have gone on to allow God to use you more fully than perhaps He ever could if you were a regular “free”priest. All I feel after reading the article is just sheer gratitude at God’s mercy and wonder at His plans for our lives.
Always remember your global family ( I am a Nigerian lady living in Lagos) will never reject you, there is nothing you can write, say or do that will push us away. Thank you for your sacrifice for souls. You will only know the full impact in the after life. God keep and preserve you.
Jim Preisendorfer says
August 11, 2016 at 11:43 PMFr. Gordon, Jesus was not going to let you end your life that night as He had other plans for you. “Not this time! Not this priest!” Now for Fr. Groeschel’s statement, ” …………….. your empty vessel may serve Him in the salvation not just of your soul, but of many souls.”. I have witnessed the salvation of souls through your works behind those stone walls with Max, Hank,Adam and many more that even you may not be aware of.
God bless you and peace of Christ be with you.
Your friend Jim <
Annie Karto says
August 18, 2016 at 6:13 PMDear Fr Gordon,
I was away when this post , Part 1 was written Last night I read your most recent post, Part 3 prior to reading this! You are so courageous to share this painful journey. I am always amazed by the Divine Mercy of God. He has taken your “empty vessel” and poured His very own Blood and Water through you to minister to others. By His stripes we are healed. Through your pain, imprisonment, persecution, beyond imagining, you have brought life to others. I continue to pray, fast for your freedom. You are a priest Forever.
Helene Romero says
May 31, 2018 at 4:12 AMFr. Gordon, I thank you for sharing such a deeply moving story about DIVINE MERCY. I happened to come across this post, at 3 AM, having no idea what you were going to say. I prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet for you.
I know there are no coincidences with God. ???? Jesus I trust in You ????
Father Gordon MacRae says
August 10, 2016 at 6:23 PMNow words really do escape me. I have been overwhelmed by these comments and the great outpouring of support over this post. And to think that I was so concerned that I would let everyone else down. I can only say that you have all fulfilled the tenet of the Gospel of St. Matthew: “When I was in prison you came to me.” My post in honor of Saint Maximilian, posted today, is Part 2 of this post and I have written a Part 3 which will appear here next week. That one, I think, is more special than the other two. You would do a great service to me, and to the priesthood if you would share these three posts and send links to them to the priests and deacons and other Catholics. We can all be heartened at the Providence of God. More on that to come.. . . With love and Divine Mercy Blessings, Father Gordon MacRae
Juan says
August 9, 2016 at 2:11 PMI want to thank God for not letting you go before time in 1993. For your sake first of all but also for the spiritual benefit of so many of us. You and your past, Father Gordon, have certainly been turned into a new creation by God, for Whom nothing is impossible and whose Mercy is better known to you than to most of us. Of His Mercy Psalm 51 says: “. . . I shall be whiter than snow” (verse 9).
This past June 19 I wrote a comment to your article: “At the Twilight of Fatherhood: Cry the Beloved ountry” of June 15, 2016. I was mentioning there a good and faithful seminarian whose ordination into priesthood was blocked by his own bishop without a valid justification, action counter even to the favorable recommendation of the seminarian’s spiritual director. So it seems we have lost a good priest, at least for now. But a question arises: will this be so for the better? Will this young man be better off not becoming a priest in such a diocese with such a bishop? I would have never dared asking these questions before I started reading “These Stone Walls” and knowing, Father Gordon, how your bishop behaved when you were falsely accused.
A follow-up on what happens in this seminarian’s diocese will shed light as to how this and other bishops unfortunately operate (I will skip data that would readily identify the characters involved). Father Joe was an honest and capable priest in his mid-seventies, getting sicker every year for the last few years. In recent months he had become very obviously weaker and weaker. Illnesses aside, it was foreseeable that someone faithful and responsible like him would suffer sooner or later at the hands of the mediocre and the evil ones around. And he did. He had requested, on account of age and ailments, to be relieved from his administrative diocesan responsibilities. These were quite a few since he was a Church official of high rank. The bishop who refused ordination of the seminarian also refused granting the deserved and much needed retirement, very likely to continue using his services for his own benefit.
Now Father Joe has been lying in a hospital bed for the last month, hooked to a respirator, after suffering repeated seizures and what looks like a stroke the extent of which cannot be fully appreciated yet. Has this human tragedy anything to do with the bishop’s conduct? Possibly so, at least to some extent, many would say.
In the above-mentioned incidents one can perceive a similar smell to what was coming out of your bishop’s behavior years back or when they gave Father Groeschel the cold shoulder, not to mention the shameful “zero tolerance” from the hierarchy against all accused priests.
Could Satan be behind so much evil?
We certainly need continued praying to our Lord, the only Rock of Salvation.
May God remain with you always,
Juan.
Pierre Matthews says
August 8, 2016 at 9:33 AMFr. Gordon,
Magnificat anima mea.
I am in awe and immense gratitude observing the various mysterious manifestations of our Lord in your life. Your dream associates you so intensely and personally with Faustina’s divine Mercy message: the wound, the flow of blood and water, the light.
Through you, as He ha with Faustina, Jesus is calling us to trust Him totally and unconditionally.
As to your suicide attempt, humanely so understandable, I strongly see Padre Pio’s intercession. The ultimate act of despair is turned upside down into a day-after-day, for 23 years, act of self-immolation on the cross, deprived of human freedom, a strange and unusual sacerdotal calling.
As Padre Pio, you carry the stigmata deep in your heart.
As Mary, you have accepted your mission in those stone walls.
Magnificat anima mea
Pierre
Jean Smith says
August 7, 2016 at 4:11 PMDear Fr.MacRae,
You have been in my mind and in my prayers since I first read Dorothy Rabinowitz’s reporting in the Wall Street Journal so very long ago.
I have no words other than I continue to pray for justice for you. I wish I could take some action where results are clear and you get relief from your plight. I cried when I read of Judge LaPlant’s decision. Why oh why did he shrink from his duty? Why is the mystery. I am inarticulate.
I remain a loyal friend you have not met.
Love and prayers,
Jean
Suzanne Sadler says
August 6, 2016 at 3:55 AMhttp://wdtprs.com/blog/2016/08/priests-bishops-stop-what-you-are-doing-and-read/
Frances South says
August 6, 2016 at 1:14 AMFr Gordon, I remember once being told that St Peter spent his heaven telling everyone how he denied Jesus because by doing so he could tell them all of the infinite love, mercy and forgiveness of God to him. Your post too is all about God’s love, mercy and forgiveness and that is what you are telling us. I keep you and all your friends in my prayers, please pray for me. God bless you and continue to give you strength and courage.
Rev. Fr. Peter J. Shaw says
August 4, 2016 at 6:47 PMSadly, we live in an age where expecting even the most simple & rudimentary steps will be taken to insure that true justice is both sought and achieved is expected too much.
As a young priest, I have seen it happen too many times that good men become sacrifices upon the altars of convenience, money, or public image.
For whatever reason, God has seen fit to place me in a diocese with a good, holy bishop and priests that humble me with their piety, sincerity, charity, & fidelity to and for Christ. So, I cannot begin to imagine the Passion you have endured these many years. What I can do is twofold: assure you that you will remain in my prayers and offer you a consolation, of sorts. I am presently studying Canon Law and it is my hope to write either my license thesis or doctoral dissertation on the lack of due process for priests in the Church, especially here in the United States of America. Fr. MacRae, a fruit of your sufferings may yet bear fruit as I and other canonists seek to shed light on a darkness dwelling in the Church and provide avenues for Christ’s hope to reach those mired in injustice.
God bless you and, should you think of it, please offer an “Ave” for me, and the other students of Canon Law, that we might cling not to the powers of this world, but to the Eternal High Priest, King, & Judge, Christ Jesus.
Maria Stella says
August 5, 2016 at 1:11 AMFr. Peter, may God bless you for choosing this subject. I hope you have had the opportunity to peruse this TSW website. There is a mine of information here on the lack of due process for priests’….by their very bishops. I hope you will also contact Fr. Gordon. When, in a letter to Fr. Gordon, I mentioned the name of a canon lawyer who I was referred to on another matter, Fr Gordon replied to me that the same lawyer was trying to help Father Gordon himself, but finally gave up due to the stonewalling by the hierarchy. I was appalled to see this lack of due process by the Church! (Pardon me if I paraphrased your reply to me incorrectly Father Gordon).
Please also see Fr. Stuart’s comment below.
Helen says
August 5, 2016 at 4:19 AMPraise God for you, Fr. Shaw. May He prosper your every endeavor to bring about Truth and justice. God’s Holy Catholic priests have much power of persuasion in the Church, today.
Richard Winter says
August 4, 2016 at 6:24 PMDear Fr. Gordon,
I have known Fr. Benedict for almost 4 decades and have known him a steadfast son of the church. I have seen him work tirelessly to feed and house the poor, and see that their children have presents at Christmas. Trinity retreat house was like a factory on thanksgiving and Christmas with food and toys being delivered to those in need. I saw him give counsel to people until late in the night and up before the crack of dawn to begin his work all over again. He truly spent himself serving God and his fellow man. It is ludicrous to attribute what the media tried to smear him with. He was truly a holy servant of God and like a father to me.
Bea says
August 4, 2016 at 3:31 PMThank you for your candid words, Father Gordon. I think no less of you and include you in my prayers. May God continue to bless you and all those you touch.
Amy says
August 4, 2016 at 1:08 PMMother Angelica use to say that if EWTN (television, radio, shortwave, Internet) saves one soul then it is all worth it. It sounds like she was correct.
Prayers for you, Fr. Gordon.
Jesus, I Trust in You!
Kevin says
August 4, 2016 at 11:14 AMThank you Father Gordon for sharing this painful story.You are our pastor for through this painful life story OUR HOLY SPIRIT is Minstering divine mercy and divine life to us.It reminds me of OUR LORDS great mercy and love for me in my life.a several years ago I chose a dark path and OUR LORD AND SAVIOR in HIS DIVINE MERCY AND LOVE reached down to pull me out of this dark pit to save my life and redeem me.In this life there are to avenues OUR LORD has used to minster HIS DIVINE MERCY AND DIVINE LOVE to me one is ewtn using father Benedict G and you and these stone walls GOD BLESS YOU our pastor father Gordon and GOD BLESS brother max and all the brothers with you .this is amazing that DIVINE MERCY was given to me and to us all to show OUR LORDS great love and mercy for us and how HIS HEART is crying out to us just to love us and hold us HE is amazing praise HIS HOLY NAME I to pray for you release and freedom.
Trish says
August 4, 2016 at 8:00 AMA Beautiful post and it must have cost you a lot to write it …Thank God, Fr Gordon, you failed in your suicide attempt! I am beginning a Novena to St John Vianney today for priests and you are on the top of my list!
God Bless you.
Michael Surace says
August 3, 2016 at 11:44 PMFather Gordon, I believe that for some reason God has given you a special prayer mission in this life. So I would ask you to pray for our unborn child so that you would become a Holy priest some day. I have already asked for Pius XII’s intercession and I have offered the child to the Immaculate Heart of Mary..
TONY DIXON says
August 3, 2016 at 9:48 PMReverend & Dear Father Gordon,
Thank God for you and for the integrity he has kept alive and glowing in you despite the greatest adversity. Of course we could not think less of you, you only grow in our estimation as you reveal with such honesty the pains you have suffered – always we see that God Himself loves you dearly, as He does each one of us when we fail for a time. But our Faith and Trust in Him is always, as it has been for you, our sure path back to His loving embrace. May He continue to help you grow in holiness and may He cause your pastoral work to continue to flourish now and after your freedom is regained.
LaVern says
August 3, 2016 at 9:41 PMThank you, Fr. Gordon, for sharing, especially with us, who carry that similar burden around with us, that in a weakened, down moment you tried to commit suicide. God granted you the grace to live through it, and become so very close to His heart. It has been so helpful to me to see over the years your growing closeness to our Lord, and your reaching out to lend a helping hand to all those who cross your path, myself included. I’m an old lady now, but that night so many years ago is as vivid as if it just happened yesterday. May the rest of us, who God spared, pattern our lives after you, and thrive daily to rest in the Merciful Heart of our God.
Frances N. says
August 3, 2016 at 8:53 PMThank you for sharing your story. As a survivor of a suicide attempt myself, it helps to know I am not alone.
Bonnie says
August 3, 2016 at 8:21 PMDear Fr. Gordon, We can only love you all the more for what you have endured. Blessings and prayers and may Our Lord continue to keep you, Pornchai and all the prisoners there close to him always.
Edward.Fullerton says
August 3, 2016 at 8:06 PMI as always pray for you and all the priesthood.
Carol Hall says
August 3, 2016 at 6:23 PMHi Father Gordon
This is one of your BEST articles on TSW. What an eye opener!! I agree with everything Anne M. Brandt said concerning you! The love and mercy of God is very apparent in your life, even though it doesn’t look that way to you!! There is a reason that you have been in prison for all the years, even though you are INNOCENT. It sickens me to know that our bishops are siding with the guilty accusers like Tom Grover and many others. Fr. Gordon passed the polygraph test with flying colors! Your accuser Tom and his brothers REFUSED to take a polygraph test. Doesn’t that tell us who is lying????
You and many other innocent priests were removed from their priestly duties immediately. Our own church NEVER tried to represent our innocent priests. Instead they paid thousands of dollars to your accusers as Hush money. This makes me sick! I have a hard time giving to the Bishops relief fund in my district because I don’t want my hard earned money to go to liars like Tom Grover. The last few years I have NOT contributed to the Bishops Relief Fund.
Enough of the above! I have been doing the 54 day Rosary Novena for you. It started 6-30 and ends 8-22. PRAYING that you will be released from prison. That is all we can do is PRAY!! GOD BLESS YOU FOR EVERY WORDS YOU HAVE GIVEN US!!! Carol
Rene Henry Gracida says
August 3, 2016 at 6:18 PMThank you, Father Gordon, for this very important post. All of your posts are important, but this one has special significance for all those priests who, like yourself, suffer gross injustice.
I pray that your heroic witness to truth will bear fruit, if not in your own life at least in the lives of those priests who are yet to be falsely accused.
Blessings!
+Rene Henry Gracida
Bishop Emeritus of Corpus Christi
Ryan A. MacDonald says
August 4, 2016 at 6:46 PMYour Excellency, I think I speak on behalf of most of the readers of These Stone Walls when I say that your comment alone is a most welcome gesture of justice and mercy on behalf of the Church that we love and serve. There is a powerful and courageous witness in what you have written here and it is not lost on us. It is also not lost on us that you alone among the American Episcopacy have had the courage to come and stand next to Father MacRae in this moment. May God bless you and your servant leadership.
Ryan A. MacDonald
Joe says
August 3, 2016 at 4:24 PMDear Father Gordon Please know our Love and Prayers remain diligent for both you and Our Son Pornchai! As always enjoy your post. Blessings Your Friend,. Joe Corvino
Sue says
August 3, 2016 at 1:42 PMFather Gordon, you are one of my heroes! Thank you for opening your heart to all of us. It must have torn you apart to do it, but you’ll reap immense benefits. I’ve been praying the 54-day Rosary Novena for you. Didn’t “sign-up” because I lost the posts for it. You are a very powerful tool of Our Lord & His Blessed Mother even within those prison walls. I think you realize this may be your “parish” for a reason. With the Holy Spirit working through you, you’ve brought God’s hope to many people who otherwise would never have been given it. I can’t wait to finally give you a big hug of gratitude & friendship when we meet!
Di Panetta says
August 3, 2016 at 6:37 PMI agree Sue. We readers of TSW are FrGordon’s worldwide Parish.
Those symbolic Rays that gushed from FrGordons wounds bore through the stone walls and into our souls. How we must pray for his accusers and Judases!
They are the ones who will have to answer to The Judge.
Merciful Heart of Jesus, we trust in You.
Clara Estela Vitale says
August 3, 2016 at 1:31 PMThank you, Father, I thought I was reading Father Corapi, but , no, was you, the attack is to all that seek to obey God’s law, I encourage you to read, Maria Valtorta, Jesus comes alive, in his Love and Mercy, a time will come, and it is already coming, the wheat and tares, are being gathered, in this election.
Mary Jean Diemer says
August 3, 2016 at 1:12 PMHi Father Gordon!
You never need fear that you would lose us! Anyone who has been in that Dark Night knows exactly where you have come from and how you came out of it.The depths of despair are truly undescribable , the mental pain (which also affects the physical) beyond belief.There is no other explanation but God’s Love. Just when you think you cannot ever survive the ordeal He says otherwise to your soul. He knew that we would need you. He knew that your flock in that prison would need you. You are doing His work and being a His Priest of Divine Mercy. You reach more through the lowly means you have to evangelize than many who have the latest techno tools. Your life,your being goes to the very heart of our faith. We are all truly your Soulmates! We are in this for the duration!
It is Day 35 of the Novena today. Tomorrow is the feast day of St. John Vianney and another Novena in his name begins for priests on this day. Sending love and prayers as always and offering my Mass each day for you!
We love you Father, the humanness, that needs no apology and the Divine that needs no explanation. God bless you and all there always ,Jeannie Diemer
Mary Jean Diemer says
August 3, 2016 at 9:33 PMSomething I posted on my wall today……
“I strongly suspect that if we saw all the difference even the tiniest of our prayers to God make, and all the people those little prayers were destined to affect, and all the consequences of those effects down through the centuries, we would be so paralyzed with awe at the power of prayer that we would be unable to get up off our knees for the rest of our lives.” – Peter Kreeft
Monica Harris says
August 3, 2016 at 1:06 PMThank you for this post. I know it must have been very difficult to write.
In addition to your connection to Divine Mercy, I have also come to believe this is what Simeon is talking about when he tells Blessed Virgin Mary that her soul a sword shall pierce so that the thoughts of many shall be revealed.
Many people,especially priests and then their sheep will be helped by your words.
God bless you.
Nan says
August 3, 2016 at 12:08 PMYou are not an empty vessel. You were chosen for prison ministry that you may reach the souls of men who have no hope and show to them by your example that there is always hope, for life eternal with Our Savior. By your own witness, your presence has converted many souls of the men with whom you are imprisoned. The blood and water flowing from your side in your dream merely show that you are close to Jesus as your life’s work is His work.
It was no accident that you requested courage in your petition to St Faustina prior to beginning prison ministry, that was your agreement to share Divine Mercy with those who have the greatest need.
Maria Stella says
August 3, 2016 at 11:52 AMFr. Gordon,
Having totally forgotten this was Wednesday, and the day your post comes out, I read Fr. Byer’s blog this morning, and saw the reference to your post. Still clueless that it was about your post of today, I did not click on his link to your post, thinking it was a link to a very early post of yours, and that I have read all your posts to date…but not Fr. Byers’ one of today.
Then when I opened TSW – as I do daily -, the penny dropped, and I realized it was Wednesday, and Fr. Byer’s post refers to your post of today. When I read your post the tears fell, as they did when I read his.
I can imagine the absolute terror of falsely accused and imprisoned priests, and can well understand why they would attempt suicide. I have lately come to know of one who succeeded in his attempt- though the event was some years ago. Your posts give a voice to these priests; your voice has ample legitimacy because of the acute suffering you underwent, and still are undergoing.
When I read about your dream, and the blood and water pouring out, as well as your suicide attempt, what came to mind was a phrase in the prayer that I say during my weekly Saturday evening Stations of the Cross for the Souls in Purgatory. I don’t have the book with me, but the phrase relates to a drop of the precious blood falling on the souls in Purgatory, giving them solace, and releasing them to Heaven.
What also came to my mind was this deceased-through-suicide priest I mentioned above, and that God in His Generosity, doesn’t just let a ‘drop’, but a stream of blood and water of mercy – the stream that you describe – was flowing to this priest and other priests like him. …who were in the same situation you were in. In my mind, you are the conduit for that stream, giving them solace and releasing them to Heaven.
Father Gordon, there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that your post makes me think less of you. You are loved, as Anne Marie says in her comment, with an agape love, and I thank you for showing me how to love in that way. Thank you …very, very, much.
Love and prayers on this 35 th day of the Novena,
Maria Stella
P.S. Grateful thanks to Suzanne Sadler, Charlene and all the others who have worked to give Father G a voice.
Patti Day says
August 3, 2016 at 11:25 AMFather, Thank God for for restoring you to this world, that you might serve the prisoners who need faith and hope in their lives. For all the wrongfully accused priests, and with special remembrance of those whose lives were lost because of false accusations, May God’s mercy shine on them.
Eileen says
August 3, 2016 at 10:54 AMDear Father: I cannot express more beautifully what has already been expressed to you. I only know that there is a reason I found your site to read and I feel honored that God led me here. I will continue to pray for justice and thank you so much for your witness of Christ in the world.
Juli B says
August 3, 2016 at 9:46 AMI was nervous as I read through the post, wondering what would cause me to judge you, Fr. I got to the end, and wondered if I had missed it somehow.
I believe that the Evil One focused all his energy on you in your moment of despair and agony. Why did you survive? Perhaps St. Michael stepped in between you and the Evil One and God extended his Mercy on to you enabling you to live.
Please keep me in your prayers and you remain in mine.
Mary Ann Nace says
August 3, 2016 at 9:43 AMDear Father Gordon,
How blessed we are that Our Lord allowed you to stay with us a while longer. How truly precious you are to Him! Your circumstances are yes, a mystery, just as the life of Our Savior’s was. God has entrusted to you a cross so heavy that in His tenderest merciful heart He rescued you ,His beloved son. I have never more clearly felt Gods love for another as is evident with you.
Thank you and God Bless you for your honesty and insight into the love, mercy and mystery of our God.
Anne Marie Brandt says
August 3, 2016 at 9:39 AMMy Dearest Father Gordon;
How could you honestly think any of us, who have come to know you, would ever think less of you? That would not be agape love. Many of us have gone through the ‘dark night’ I can only speak for myself. That feeling of hopelessness, of abandonment, of shear aloneness, yes I know it well. However, God’s Love and Mercy pours forth in those darkest hours. The dream you had was probably not a dream, but a spiritual moment of great grace. You are sharing in Jesus’ Passion, just as St. Padre Pio and many other saints have. He was not only showing you His Mercy, but also telling you that you are sharing in His Passion. Oh glory be to the Father! Blessed be you, dear Father! Prayers are continued to be lifted up for you! For strength, resilience, hope and a feeling of Love. We may never see, in this life, the fruits of our labor, however, God sees all and loves us to the very depths of His merciful Heart! You are truly human and yet you are in the Heart of Jesus. Justice Will reign! I pray God continues to bless and protect you (satan didn’t win that night, Mercy said no), and know you are really loved!
Anne Marie
Fr. Stuart MacDonald says
August 3, 2016 at 9:10 AMIt is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
But it is you, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend. (Psalm 55: 12-13)
Father Gordon,
Thank you for this post. You didn’t want people to judge you? Of course we do! We judge you to be worthy, faithful and wise. How could we think other?
How many priests have prayed the whole of Psalm 55, their hearts filled with pain at being betrayed by the Church? Fr. Byers’ Judas Crisis is, unfortunately, still alive and well. You may have heard that the Archbishop of Guam has been removed from office and an apostolic administrator put in his place because of allegations that the Archbishop sexually abused minors. I don’t know the facts and make no judgment on his guilt or innocence — I only pray that his canonical rights will be respected, otherwise there will be no justice. But leaving that aside, I was astounded to read what the apostolic administrator said recently:
“As I mentioned previously, I take all reports of sexual misconduct by officials of the Church very seriously and I have not, do not, and will not consider a person presenting such reports as malicious or calumnious, or motivated by a desire to attack the church or any other improper purpose. Instead, the Archdiocese should always assume and believe that the intent of those who make allegations of sexual abuse is to bring to light serious claims of abuse […]” It beggars belief that a man with such responsibility, a prelate no less, would say something so inane: I will NOT consider a person as malicious or calumnious.” It is an open admission that a cleric can not disprove the accusation (which he does not need to do, remember. Rather, his guilt must be proven.) God help us all.
Fr. Gordon, this very personal story, which you have shared with us, is poignant; it endears you to us all the more. Yes, ‘friends’ out there do harm and hurt us, but as Psalm 55 continues:
But I call upon God;
and the Lord will save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he will hear my voice.
He will deliver my soul in safety
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
God will give ear, and humble them,
he who is enthroned from of old;
because they keep no law,
and do not fear God. (vv 16-19)
Courage, Father. You are still very near to God. I ask your blessing,
Fr. Stuart
Liz says
August 3, 2016 at 9:49 AMFr. Stuart, I find that administrator’s word to be horrifying!! Psalm 55 is so beautiful and encouraging. Thank you. God bless you!
Sue says
August 3, 2016 at 1:33 PMFr. Stuart, like many other Catholics we are wondering WHY the Church NEVER applies canon law to such accusations! A priest has a canonical right to meet with his accuser face-to-face with witnesses present. Any allegations need to be substantiated by eyewitness accounts, as with any other accusation of wrongdoing. None of these things has happened in any of the cases that I’m aware of. So many priests have been sacrificial lambs for the wrongdoing of hundreds of chancery officials. I used to be a DRE & had a horrific experience with my first pastor who had been diagnosed with psychosis, but left in a parish. If learned firsthand how corrupt the Church is. Not her teachings, which are 100% true, just some of the people within Her. Satan is unleashing all his hatred on Her today.
Liz says
August 3, 2016 at 8:52 AMGod bless you, Father! We all love you and Pornchai so much! What I find amazing that you have made it through any of this. I often wonder what it was like for you when you first went to prison and didn’t have Charlene, Suzanne, Fr. George and others. I know you have a few good and true friends, but I cannot imagine how abandoned you must have felt in all of this. The evil one loves for people to feel dejected and hopeless. He works on that even in the smallest matters. I cannot even begin to think about how you felt, falsely accused and so abandoned by your bishop and brother priests (well more than abandoned, more like betrayed.) When I look at the final years of Fr. Groeschel it seems like it must have been his last suffering. I think of the car accident, the confusion he had (perhaps dementia) that he went through along with the attack of those from his own Church, and I hope that he got to go straight to the arms of our precious Lord when he died. God bless you, Father, and please never doubt all of those praying for you and our love for you as you travel on this arduous journey. I think of you often and I know that my guardian angel is nudging me to pray for you and Pornchai. We may have no idea what you both have are suffering, but we are there for you as much as we can be. May God reward you in all of this! Thank you for writing this post! p.s. Today we will pray in a special way for the souls of those priests who lost their lives in such hard situations.
Barbara says
August 3, 2016 at 8:29 AMFather Gordon,
Anyone who has gone through deep depression and found themselves at the crossroads you did, could never condemn you. I have grown so much by reading your blog over the years. At first, I was highly skeptical of your innocence. But as time passed I could see the good heart and truthfulness you possess.
I do see your suffering as intimately connected to the suffering of our Lord. I pray that you stay the course that has been set out for you – no matter what it be. I trust that God is ever at your side. I somehow missed the 54 day novena. I will go back through your blog and join it.
May God bless and keep you and Max, and all other prisoners.
Claire Dion from Maine says
August 3, 2016 at 8:17 AMFr. Gordon, You have touched my soul and and helped me grow closer to Our Lord. I love and thank you for it. Keeping you in my prayers always.
Janine Fazioli says
August 3, 2016 at 6:06 AMFather, thank you, I love you even more now!
Helen says
August 3, 2016 at 4:55 AMFather! Father! Father! If anyone could possibly think badly of you, after reading this heart-felt post, then, forgive them, please. They just haven’t, yet, realized that: “ALL HAVE FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF THE LORD” .
Bless your broken heart. In the flesh, I am so very sorry for your agony and suffering, Father Gordon. Spiritually, however, I rejoice because you couldn’t possibly realize the number of those you are being used to save…and…help to realize that those who have been thru such dire circumstances, aren’t nuts!! …or have they lost their souls, praise God’s grace.
God bless Fr. Groeschel. I have been honored with being in his presence a few times. One time, I was graced by God for the privilege of getting him coffee, at his request. WOW..thought I had gone to Heaven, already. The Holy Spirit just exuded from him. Whew…all the feelings are coming back.
Father Gordon, God bless your broken heart and continue to heal your broken spirit. You are our strength in Jesus. I only hope that we can be that for YOU!!
PS: Father, I’m not using my own computer. This old thing I am using continues to freeze up and is sooooooo slow. I’m sorry, but I have to quit before all of this disappears. Please forgive any mistakes.
Blessed to be in YOUR court….and always YOUR friend, by the grace of God.
Helen
Suzanne Formanek says
August 3, 2016 at 4:38 AMFor those whom Jesus chooses to engage in the “special ops division” of His Militant Church, it appears that He first cleanses them thoroughly so that nothing remains that might interfere in reconstruction plans, which He has no obligation to reveal.
I’m sure that in Heaven all the work that will come out of this process will be finally evident and the glory you are giving to God in your abandonment will only then be visible. Until that time, the faith that you are called upon to exercise is an example for all of us. Your “stripping” recalls Christ in His Passion and as His priestly son, it appears that you have been chosen to show us who follow your story, the way forward.
I seem to understand in this 54 day novena that you are making profound reparation with Jesus in the conversion of so many who have betrayed God’s Justice. The importance of this work urges me to also include all souls who are also imprisoned in circumstances beyond their control. May all of us work then, for the Glory of God!
Father George David Byers says
August 3, 2016 at 2:35 AMHere’s the deal with the guilty:
Those who are guilty of such things are so incredibly narcissistic that they couldn’t possibly take their own lives. That’s just not how it works. When they are caught out, it’s no big surprise. They’ve been expecting it. They take it in stride as all part of the game. There may have been some priests guilty among those 26 who committed suicide, but it’s surely not more than a few, if any.
Here’s the deal with the innocent:
Those innocent of such crimes, who were dedicated to their priesthood, who were even accused because their love for the truth and pastoral generosity were not appreciated, those priests who wanted nothing more than that their parishioners would be temples of the Holy Spirit, enjoying the freedom of a chastity according to one’s state in life that provides purity of heart and agility of soul, those who were seen to be easy targets for false accusations leveled to extort settlements, those priests who had not been prepared in their seminary training for the “As the Master, so the disciple” dynamic because their seminaries were all about politically correct academics and niceness, those priests who didn’t buy into that politically correct one-upmanship because it distracted from pastoral charity, those priests who understandably but unfortunately mistakenly put too much of their hope on the much hyped idea of team spirit, these priests were, when they were betrayed with accusations and then abandoned by their best friends, abandoned by their families, abandoned by their work friends in the chancery, abandoned by their chancellors and vicar generals, abandoned by their bishops, abandoned even and in some cases especially by those who work in the various offices of the Roman Curia, all insisting in their own ways on a lack of due process as a policy to be followed, those priests who were said to be rapists of the worst kind, accused of everything which was the exact opposite of who they were before God and man, those whose very existence was now an embarrassment to the self-referential, self-congratulatory, narcissistic church of Promethian neo-Pelagian self-absorption… these priests, who were so concerned about not giving scandal to the innocent people in the pews, these priests are the one’s who committed suicide with a reasoning that defies the light of day, but which made perfect sense to them in the night of darkness into which they were thrown like trash, as if they actually were the refuse and garbage and scum of mankind. And yet, in all their suffering, these priests are the unsuspecting true heroes whom we will see shine brighter than the stars of heaven for all eternity, for Jesus, who died that we might live, knows what it means to be betrayed, and knows how weak we are, how devoid of logic when we are smashed down and bludgeoned even after we think we are already long dead. Jesus will surely welcome these souls as martyrs into the joys prepared for them before the foundation of the world. Jesus will say to them: “I know you! Welcome home!”
Father Gordon survived. Oh my! Now he would have to face how logic in the night of darkness doesn’t hold up in the light of day. How embarrassing! How much failure! But, no. In going through this ignominy he learned to walk with Jesus, now fully cognizant of all that which he didn’t learn in the seminary nor from his fellow priests, that is, about the wounds of Jesus, wounded in His hands and feet, in His side, His Sacred Heart of Divine Mercy. Now he knows redemption from the perspective of Jesus, from the Cross. After all, Jesus had said that when He was lifted up on the Cross He would draw all to Himself. When we are in solidarity with Jesus even while He is in solidarity with us, Jesus gives us His own Heart with which to love.
Thank you, Father Gordon.
You are a priest’s priest.
Thank you.
Father George David Byers
Missionary of Mercy of Pope Francis
Helen says
August 3, 2016 at 4:43 AMYes, Father George, I agree. He IS a Priest’s Priest.
Thank you for putting into words that which we feel but cannot verbalize.
God bless You, Father Gordon, Max, Our Holy Priests, and all who support him.
Nancy v. says
August 3, 2016 at 9:34 AMDitto Helen.
My heart is aching to know such emptiness of “the vessel”. God bless you all! He loves us!
Joan Ripley says
August 4, 2016 at 2:32 AMThank you, Father George, for coming out publicly and eloquently defending Father Gordon in his courageous admission of totally understandable despair at one point in time. As so many others have already said, this beautiful post by Father Gordon only deepens our regard and respect for him. Thank you for honouring him with the glorious title of being “a priest’s priest”. It totally accords with the brilliant observation of one respondent that Father’s dream of having his heart pierced and shedding blood and water is Jesus’ gift of sharing that part of His own passion, if not an actual experience of a partial stigmata. I, too, have had my moments of suicidal ideation at low points in my life and have no difficulty in understanding how Father Gordon would have suffered them as well; in fact, how could he not? So proud to be a member of Father Gordon’s virtual parish and to support him in the 54 day Rosary novena. So proud of all the wonderful work he is accomplishing for God and for souls in his unlikely assignment to the State Prison in Concord, New Hampshire. Praying for God’s abundant blessings on Father Gordon and the precious group in Concord as well as on all my fellow virtual parishioners and looking forward to the day of God’s justice for Father Gordon when he will be set free at last.