Puritans be warned! Some tales from a prison library cannot be told, not even by a prisoner-priest, without the telling being a tad irreverent and even outrageous.
Not long ago, I wrote a post that became far more popular with readers than my usual paranormal quest. It was “Pornchai Moontri at a Crossroads Behind These Stone Walls.” The story it told stunned and inspired many readers who rejoiced in its miraculous happy ending. If you haven’t read it, I hope you will. Without a rational explanation for what happened, I attempted one:
“I can only tell you that this was the result of a bizarre and unlikely series of behind-the-scenes events, with just the right people in just the right places at just the right times doing just the right things.”
One of those people was my friend, Joseph. You have met him before, though you may not realize it. His first appearance here was in one of my earliest posts on These Stone Walls, a 2009 Advent post entitled “Disperse the Gloomy Clouds of Night.” You met Joseph again in 2012 in “Unchained Melody: Tunes from an 8-Track in an iPod World.”
Joseph moved away back then, and Pornchai Moontri and I lost touch with him. It turned out that during our move from a dungeon to a relatively “unprison-like” place a few months ago, Joseph was one of the persons behind-the-scenes who helped bring about a small miracle.
When I arrived there, Joseph had already been living there for the last two years. On the day Pornchai Moontri arrived, Joseph quickly said just the right thing to just the right person that resulted in Pornchai being moved to the same place I live. Our reunion with our friend, Joseph, has been one of the high points of moving to this new place We owe him a debt of gratitude.
Now if you are keeping track of the characters I have written about, then you might also remember James, my friend whose story I told in “Christmas in the Valley, and on the High Places.” James had been working with me in the prison library over the last year, and recently he was moved to a minimum security prison to prepare him for his release very soon.
That left an opening in the Library just when Joseph lost his job as a clerk in a department that had been closed. Jobs here are very hard to find, and the best of them pays only two or three dollars per day. Faced with his sudden idleness, Joseph was slumping into depression. So I was able to get him a job in the prison Library.
While we were at work one day, I let Joseph read my recent post about Skooter, “Cry Freedom! A Prisoner Unlocks Doors from the Inside.” Joseph knew Skooter. When we all lived in the same place, Joseph andSkooter would meet with me for coffee on Saturday mornings to help construct titles for my posts. Those meetings were the origin of my paradoxical prayer, “Lord, please grant me the grace to bear my blessings.”
After reading my post about Skooter, I let Joseph read another one that Skooter contributed to while he was still here. I never posted it on These Stone Walls because it’s a little irreverent and even outrageous. But Skooter loved it, and so did Joseph who talked me into sharing it with you.
I hesitate because we like the high road that These Stone Walls has always taken, and this may seem a descent into the breakdown lane. So forgive me, please, for the rough edges of this little story which is impossible to tell without them. Prepare yourself for this first installment of a new, occasional series on These Stone Walls:
TRUE STORIES FROM THE ANNALS OF A PRISON LIBRARY – FIRST UP: NOT YOUR GRANDMA’S ENGLISH
While pondering this article about work as a prisoner-clerk in a medium security prison library, I stumbled upon a TV rerun of my favorite among the Star Trek films that were box office hits in the 1980s. I tuned in on a scene from Star Trek IV The Voyage Home (1986) that should be logged among the classics of literary criticism.
Set in the 23 Century, an alien probe came to destroy Planet Earth because humpback whales had been hunted to extinction. The alien interest in humpback whales was not quite clear. En route to Earth aboard a hijacked Klingon Battle Cruiser acquired in the previous installment – Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984) – the crew of the Starship Enterprise arrived just in time to save the planet.
Their mission: travel three centuries back in time, find a mating pair of humpback whales, transport them aboard the borrowed Klingon ship to the 23rd Century, and commence repopulation of the species. Hey, don’t laugh! It could happen!
Having arrived in 1986 San Francisco, Kirk and Spock sat aboard a city bus on their way to the Cetacean Institute Mr. Spock, trying in vain not to look too conspicuous, noted some curious changes in Kirk’s demeanor:
- Spock: “Admiral [James T Kirk had been promoted’], your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is laced with, shall I say, colorful metaphors ‘Double dumb-ass on you’ and so forth.”
- Kirk: “You mean profanity. It’s the way they talk here. No one pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word. It’s in all the literature of the period.”
- Spock: “Such as?”
- Kirk: “The collected works of Jacqueline Susann; the novels of Harold Robbins.”
- Spock: “Ah! The Giants!”
In this setting, two elements of the scene ring true. In prison, even in the library, the typical mode of human communication is just as Kirk described. Though “Double dumb-ass on you!” is not the usual linguistic fare here, it’s true that in prison no one seems to pay any attention to you unless the “f-word” finds its way into every other sentence.
Add the suffix, “…in”, and it becomes a sort of universal adjective. I hear that word a thousand times a day. I don’t say it unless I’m quoting someone and that doesn’t count.
The word poses a challenge for me in a library – even a prison library – and I’ve generally taken the high road, but at a price. I don’t swear – at least, I don’t swear in the library – and as a result, I get puzzled looks after a few consecutive “f-free” sentences.
The latter part of that Star Trek scene also rings true. Kirk implied that certain authors of steamy 1960s and 1970s best sellers would still be read in the 23rd Century, and therefore known to the Enterprise crew. Not likely, but when I first came to work in the prison library circa 2005 or so, Jacqueline Susann and Harold Robbins really were among “The Giants.”
In the face of annual budget cutbacks, “new” books here consist mostly of other libraries’ cast-offs. What was old, passé, and no longer checked out in some of the local municipal libraries has been shipped here where these authors were greeted by a captive audience of new readers.
In fact, I just checked the library database for the two authors cited by Admiral Kirk. As of June 2016, the shelves have three circa 1960s novels by Jacqueline Susann, and two of them are currently checked out. One of her best known books, Valley of the Dolls, actually has a short waiting list. It was published in 1966, but not acquired here until 1994, the same year I arrived in this prison.
This library also has nine titles by Harold Robbins, and most have similar descriptions in the library database: “sex, romance, money, corruption.” In either deprivation or commission, most here can relate. And lest anyone miss the really racy scenes, some prisoner performed what he thought was a public service by employing a yellow highlighter to call attention to them.
All of the 1960s Harold Robbins novels were acquired here in the 1990s. Excluding some of the classics, every library should have and keep, books that have not been checked out for at least three or four years are removed. All nine of our fifty-year-old Harold Robbins novels are still on the shelves and are still being read. Three are currently checked out. Two others are being repaired from excessive use.
So if you smirked at Mr. Spock’s dubious assessment of these authors’ enduring popularity, well – double dumb-ass on you!
PORNCHAI MOONTRI’S DOG DAY AFTERNOON
For about five years from 2005 to 2010, a unit in this prison was designated to host what became known as “The Dog Program.” It was intended to be a training program for several personal assistance dogs housed and cared for by trained prisoners.
Over time here, however, the experience of confinement has devolved. Space to live and breathe and have our being remains a constant while the mass of errant humanity contained in that space has increased exponentially. The dog program was the first of many humanitarian efforts sacrificed to prison overcrowding and a diminished staff to provide oversight.
While it lasted, the program seemed a humanizing experience for both prisoners and dogs, but it was never really clear exactly who was training whom. Once a week, a few of the dogs brought their handlers to the prison library where a supply of doggie treats was kept in the librarian’s desk. A few of the treats would be hidden in the library stacks and the dogs were let loose to roam and find them.
One day after the dogs left, the librarian noticed a foul odor drifting across the library. My friend, Pornchai Moontri was quietly studying his native Thai language from a textbook when he was tapped to join in the odious search for the doggie donor’s literary criticism. Our friend, Skooter joined in as well.
Up and down the aisles we all went before Pornchai called out from a far corner. “Found it,” he said as he pointed to a mound left behind by the dog directly in front of the Library’s collection of author Tim LaHaye’s Left Behind series.
Skooter rushed over to the scene of the crime. “It’s post-apocalyptic poop!” said Pornchai while everyone else groaned. Skooter pointed to the Left Behind books and said, “The dog was just following instructions!”
Pornchai added that he read the entire Left Behind series during seven years of solitary confinement, but that’s a nightmare tale for another time.
Pornchai did not concur with the dog’s Left Behind review.
Enter into a spirit of Thanksgiving by reading and sharing these special Thanksgiving posts on These Stone Walls:
- The True Story of Thanksgiving: Squanto, the Pilgrims and the Pope
- Giving Thanks in the Time of Christ the King
- Holidays in the Hoosegow: Thanksgiving with Some Not-So-Just Desserts
Rev. Joseph L Coffey says
November 24, 2017 at 10:44 AMFr. Gordon, great article as usual. As a military chaplain I hear the F bomb quite often. I also once had the joy of hearing a two star general address several hundred Marines of all ranks who told them to clean up their language. It was inspiring leadership. I get to address it one person at a time in Confession. Keep fighting the good fight. I’ve told you before that you are inspiring many people and we are praying for your release. Semper Fidelis.
Fr Joe
Father Gordon J. MacRae says
November 25, 2017 at 1:38 PMThank you Father Joe. This means so much to me and I could not let this go by without wishing you my blessings for Thanksgiving and Advent.
Fraternally,
Father Gordon
Mark says
November 22, 2017 at 1:16 AMVery amusing post Fr. Gordon. I liked the part about the dog pooing in front of the Left Behind series. Never heard of Time Lahaye being tied with the Illuminati though. I might have to Google it. (Not that I believe in the Illuminati myself.)
Susan Dee says
November 17, 2017 at 10:13 PMHi Father,
Your post brought back a memory. When I was a kid, I said the “f” word, thinking it sounded big and bad. After a while, I confessed it to my priest. He surprised me by saying that is not a sin, but it makes you sound ignorant. He then when on to explain that most of our familiar four letter words are merely body functions crudely expressed,
Then he said that back in history, the French won a war against Britain, and the blunt Anglo Saxon words we call ‘bad’ were frowned upon because everyone wanted to belong to the upper class (or French) not the losers (or Saxons) so folks said defecate instead of sh*t or urinate instead of p*ss and fornicate instead of f*ck, and so on. I never forgot that lesson and when I had kids I told them the story. Clearly they did not want to sound ignorant!
But I agree with Helen (above) the “f” word is used around here as an noun, a verb, an adverb and an adjective at least once in every sentence. Actually it is almost funny when I think of it in my confessors’ point of view. What bothers me is the misuse of our Lord’s name. It’s on TV, and movies. That bothers me. In real life you might slip – but in a show or movie it is written, memorized and rehearsed. Wrong! Wrong!
Dorothy R. Stein says
November 18, 2017 at 7:30 PMSusan Dee makes a very good point toward the end of her comment. Hearing what is sacred to us profaned on television and in movies is deeply offensive to Jews and Catholics alike. But what is even more offensive is this: if the slurs were against Islam or Mohammed then you can be certain that the writers would be shut down immediately, the networks would apologize, and the pundits would condemn.
Helen says
November 19, 2017 at 3:50 AMOh Susan…I whole-hardheartedly agree with regard to those who use the Lord’s Name in blasphemy. There is a prayer that I’ve found that I do say when I hear someone insulting the Lord. It’s the only recourse because, like you, I simply cringe when I hear it. More than anger, oddly, I feel deeply offended, as if someone slapped my son or daughter.
Dorothy: Amen !!!
Fr. Gordon..see how you get us all to think and respond? WOW…you’re like a portable conscience. You’ll keep us on the up and up as long as you keep writing.
Hey..God bless us, EVERYONE… I feel that we are becoming family, here. What a gift.
Susan Dee says
November 22, 2017 at 9:00 PMHelen,
Would you please share that prayer you found, that you say when you hear someone use Our Lord’s name in vain?
Michael says
November 22, 2017 at 10:29 PMOne method is to make a little sign of the cross above my heart and say quietly, “have mercy on us” – turning, as it were, the initial use of God’s name into the prayer that it should be, as well as asking for mercy for the sin. e.g. “Jesus” (+have mercy on us)
I find that the shorter the prayer the easier it is to do on reflex!
Felipe says
November 25, 2017 at 4:07 PMYes. Every time I hear our Lord’s name profaned, I simply pray “forgive us, Lord,” or “have mercy on us, Lord.”
Claire Dion says
November 16, 2017 at 9:08 PMUnder Frequently asked Questions you said– “I call Charlene every other day or so to edit scanned posts, hear your comments”.–I would live to listen in when Charlene reads these comments to you F.r Gordon. Made me chuckle when thinking about it..
Della Toms says
November 16, 2017 at 7:17 PMFather Gordon, thank you for the wonderful story. I got a great chuckle out of it. It brought up some very interesting memories for me in the language department. I was living in San Diego in 1970 and my third child needed to be baptize. My neighbors were a Catholic couple from New York. Mexican nationality so I asked them to be God Parents. Well one day the man came over and ask me where he could get a turlet I
I Guess I had a dumb look on my face. He says you know one of those turlets that uses less water when you flush it. Oh I says a toilet. Fast forward 30 years and we are doing some family tree stuff my family is from the upper peninsula of Michigan. Lots of different languages so English takes on a life of its own. Any way church documents are written in what ever the language that the Priest happen to be so some of the spellings and such can be a little mixed up. While there I come across a calendar from Canada and there is a Guy Falker Day. So me with this investigating mind I have wanted to know what that was. Seems it is something that happened in England about blowing up Parliament and some Catholics were evolved. So with all the different dialects trying to say Guy Falker in English I can understand how it might come out to be Gay F—res. So I wonder with it being Catholics evolved would that be a complement. Again Father love your posts brought some tears, laughs and great joy. Keep the Faith.
Peter Haas says
November 16, 2017 at 3:43 PMThat was a welcome change from some of the more serious posts!
Pete H.
TomD says
November 16, 2017 at 12:12 PMA few thoughts, provoked by a great article
1) D@mn is worse that f#ck. To be d@mned is to be f#cked for all eternity. Perhaps if people thought about it we would see more conversions.
2) Theologically, Left Behind was not bad. Even as literature, they had really good cliffhangers at the end of each novel. Their great defect, and the reason I couldn’t get past the 3rd novel, was the large amount of ‘flashbacks’. I concluded that the last books would be ALL flashbacks.
3) How does a prison library get donations? Are DVDs possible?
BEA says
November 15, 2017 at 4:41 PMThanks for sharing another story from the inside. They help us connect a little from a distance and remind us of your daily challenges. Blessings to you all!
Tom says
November 15, 2017 at 3:08 PMGreat article! Many of the Maryland prisons have a K-9 program like the one you described. In fact, my friend Terry’s mom who has been in prison for his whole life has been a part of the program at the women’s prison. We have met one of her dogs which she brought into the visiting room when we visited. I hate where you are and the mentality of those who keep you there, but you continue to provide witness from behind those stone walls!
Fr Stuart MacDonald says
November 15, 2017 at 1:09 PMFr Gordon
Bravo!! I love it! Anyone scandalised by this needs their f’in’ head examined. Lol.
Blessings,
Fr Stuart
Claire Dion says
November 15, 2017 at 8:21 AMEnjoyed the post Fr. Gordon. That you for sharing more about the life you are forced to lead. At my age because I am mostly surrounded by other seniors, I do not hear the F word too often. However, I do often hear the names of Jesus or God irreverently used which causes me great sadness.
From now on, every time hear these Holy Names used irreverently I will offer a small prayer asking God to bless you and Max.
Mary Fran says
November 15, 2017 at 7:34 AMFather Gordon, the public libraries from which your library gets discards sounds quite different from the libraries I have experienced. When we were living in Baltimore (20 years worth, beginning several years after you left the area) and we were educating our kids at home, I made up a long list of classics for the girls to choose from for their English classes. I was dismayed to discover that we had far more of them on our home bookshelves than the local library in Catonsville had (west of the city). The library was getting rid of the classics that were not being checked out to make room on the shelves for the trash the kids were reading. The library did have a copy of Sigrid Undset’s The Master of Hestviken, a hefty book, which I checked out. Unfortunately, the checkout time was not long enough for me to complete the book. I read what I could and took it back. The next time I went to check that book out to finish reading it, the library had already discarded it. When we moved to Seaford, DE, I found a copy. Was delighted to discover books on the shelves there that were no longer on the shelves in Catonsville. Seaford didn’t have the money to replace books; thus, they kept the old ones. Then, that library got a new director and he tossed out dumpster-loads of books and left the shelves half empty. He was more interested in getting more computers for the kids to use rather than books to fill up the empty shelves. So, it sounds like the libraries in your area are keeping the good books and tossing the garbage.
Michael says
November 15, 2017 at 6:01 AMYou had me laughing out loud!
I must say I concur with the dog’s review. I read them a long time ago. At some point after their initial surge in popularity I saw them at a Christmas party game – a “white elephant” gift exchange game which would feature mostly knickknacks of dubious value and allowed one to “steal” the better gifts while dumping the undesirable ones on someone else. Someone got stuck with an 8-book stack of Left Behind books and begged players to steal from them – to no avail! I guess they weren’t…ahem…enraptured with it. And they, like everyone else, must learn to deal with…erm…tribulations.
Ok my jokes deserve a bad review too! But it’s hard to resist taking the low road sometimes…
Thanks for the post today, Father. I look forward to more installments!
Helen says
November 15, 2017 at 4:23 AMFr. Gordon!! I just LOVE the fact that you’ve brought to our attention that hideous word “F…”.
UGH…You’ve mentioned that it’s voiced in every other sentence, there. Well, I’m coming to prison; out here in the world, it’s every other WORD…. UGH!! I hate it! It is, without a speck of exaggeration, my most hated word. It’s plain, old ugly. I don’t know why people enjoy using it. I don’t enjoy hearing it. Actually, although this may sound strange, it’s embarrassing. I can’t explain why.
So, Father Gordon, congratulations to you for penning this important article. I applaud it and you, once again. Who knows, maybe, somehow, some way some will discontinue the use. I hope so…may the Force (Our Father’s) be with them. ( I know, I know, different space story). Lol
God bless you, Max, Joseph, Skooter and all who you call ‘friend’.
Your Fan,
Helen