Everyone has troubling dreams. In “Protect Us from All Anxiety” on Ash Wednesday, I wrote about one of the anxiety-related dreams that I’ve had in various forms in prison. There’s so much stress here, both the stress of prison itself and the stress of being separated from the outside world. That separation causes a lot of pain for prisoners serving Long sentences. We witness the people we once knew slipping away. Fears of abandonment haunt many prisoners’ dreams. Even the toughest are often reduced to tears when faced with the reality that those they once loved are lost to them. Few relationships survive more than ten years of separation by prison walls.
I had one of those “abandonment dreams” a few nights ago. Like most recurring dreams, this one wasn’t set in prison. That would feel like the waste of a dream, and my psyche seems to know that, so I rarely dream of prison. This one was set in the past, but a past drawn into the present.
Among the priests of my diocese, my closest friend over the years was a man everyone called “Father Moe.” About fifteen years older than me, Father Moe had boundless energy and people loved him. He was always seen as sort of a rebel for his outspoken ideas in our diocese, but he wasn’t really. Father Moe represented the Church’s Mission well, and his priorities and values were clear. He had no regard at all for the pedestal of clericalism, and always saw himself as a servant of the people, never the other way around. I admired that from the moment I met Father Moe, and, in that at least, I endeavored to be like him.
I served in Father Moe’s parish during my year as a transitional deacon, and it was Father Moe whom I chose to present me with my stole and vestments at priesthood ordination. I was the sole candidate for ordination in the Diocese of Manchester in 1982. I have a vivid memory of standing at attention as Father Moe solemnly placed the stole of priesthood upon my shoulders. He whispered something that no one else could hear: “This is not for you,” he said, nodding to the congregation. “It’s for them. Never forget that.” I never did. I never saw priesthood as something that elevated me, but rather as something the Lord brought about despite me, and into which I could only hope by grace to ascend. I was never worthy of it. I’m still not.
Even after our assignments separated us by 100 miles or so, Father Moe and I did a lot of things together. We were both consummate explorers, so we spent our days off and vacations hiking the Appalachian Trail through New Hampshire and Maine. We were also dedicated to the Cursillo movement. I had first attended Cursillo when I was 19 years old, and served on several teams. At 21 I was a Cursillo Rector, so after Ordination, I was one of very few priests who had served Cursillo in just about every capacity.
The far North Country in New Hampshire had a hard time finding priests available for Cursillo weekends, so whenever Father Moe was spiritual director for a Cursillo, which was just about all of them held in the North Country, I would find a replacement for me and head up there to assist.
I DREAMED A DREAM OF DAYS GONE BY
My dream that night in prison was about Father Moe. In the dream, I was released from prison and Father Moe met me at the prison gates. There were two cars parked there, and he handed me the keys to one of them. “Just follow me,” he said. I told him I had not driven a car for seventeen years while in prison, but he said, “No problem. Just follow me.” I told Father Moe I did not know the way, so he would have to be certain I am behind him. He told me not to worry, then he got in his car and I got in mine. Within a minute, I was following Father Moe north on Interstate 93 just outside Concord. Seconds later, I looked up and Moe was gone. He took an exit somewhere, and I missed it. He gave no indication he was leaving this road. He just left, and I was alone. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand at all, and I felt terrible. I did not know where to go or how to get there.
So I drove. It seemed that I drove for hours farther and farther north, through the White Mountains, beyond Franconia Notch, to a town called Bethlehem. There was a retreat center there, and it’s the place where Father Moe and I last worked together. When I arrived, I realized that the car was out of gas and I could go no further. I had no money. I knew no one, and I was not welcomed anywhere. If Father Moe was not there, I would be stranded.
And I was. In the dream, my anxiety turned to desperation as I walked into the retreat center hoping beyond hope to see Father Moe sitting there waiting for me. Instead, what I found was a room full of empty chairs at empty tables in a place where there had been no signs of life for many years. Dust and cobwebs covered everything, and death was all around me. I came face to face with the stark reality that the life I knew before prison is gone. There was no place for me anywhere. I didn’t understand what Father Moe had done. I may never understand it.
ON THE ROAD WITH A LEPER
When I was accused, Father Moe really struggled with the charges against me. Nonetheless, he stood by me. It troubled me greatly that he never once asked me whether I was guilty or innocent. I remember asking him about this one day, and he said the answers did not matter.
He did say that what just didn’t compute for him was the fact that my life as a priest had been an open book. There were never any secrets; never any unexplained events or absences; never any rumors or sightings that raised peoples’ eyebrows. Father Moe and a few other priests had keys to my rectory and living quarters, and felt free to show up at any time, unannounced, day or night, ready to stay for hours or days. Moe said he never saw or heard of anything amiss, but he was troubled that no one asked him any questions.
When I was accused, my life and priesthood were in shambles. Father Moe was horrified and protested loudly when someone in my diocese issued a pre-trial press release pronouncing me guilty. As my trial approached, Father Moe became aware of a major lie told by my accuser – a lie that involved Father Moe himself. I can’t go into the details just yet because this may become a point upon which some of the case might be challenged. Once Father Moe knew of this lie, he began stripping the case apart, looking deeper into the claims and insinuations. Then he became aware of many more lies that he could easily disprove had he been questioned by the police detective choreographing the case.
But he was never questioned. The fact is that once the detective became aware of people who could refute the claims against me, he just carefully avoided talking to them at all. Like prosecutor, Mike Nifong’s tactics that I described in “Sex, Lies and Videotape,” I now know that this is a common ploy when police or prosecutors want to avoid putting something exculpatory on the record. They simply avoid ever asking the right questions. There are many examples, too many to recount here.
But in one vivid example, a priest was cited by an accuser as having walked in on and witnessed an incident of abuse. The news media reported on it, contingency lawyers cited it, but no one ever asked the priest if the claim was true. No one in my diocese ever asked him, either, before writing a check to settle the claim. And when the priest finally asserted himself with the truth that the claim was entirely false, the police, the lawyers, the news media, and my diocese had no interest in hearing it.
Father Moe became absolutely convinced that something was very wrong, and the case was a fraud. He showed my defense attorney proof that many of the accuser’s central statements were lies. Father Moe came to the trial armed with that proof. He testified briefly, and was supposed to return to explain to the jury the impact of what he said. Father Moe left, but never returned. Two other persons associated with my diocese at the time were slated to corroborate Father Moe’s testimony, but they never showed up at all.
An hour after jury deliberations began, the jury came to the judge with a request. They wanted to see a transcript of Father Moe’s entire testimony, and they wanted to question him. I can’t speculate on what troubled them, but clearly they wanted clarification on what Father Moe had to say, and they wanted to hear more. Judge Arthur Brennan denied their request, and sent them back to reach a verdict. Less than an hour later, I was convicted of the charges. I was put in chains and taken to prison that same day. It was September 23, 1994, Saint Padre Pio’s feast day.
I never saw or heard from Father Moe again. I can’t begin to understand or explain this. I was in prison just an hour’s drive from Father Moe’s parish, but he never visited, never wrote, never even inquired about me. I wrote a few letters – bewildered letters to a friend suddenly estranged – but never received any reply. After four or five letters during my first year in prison, I stopped writing.
SCARLET LETTERS
Five years went by, then late one night while I lay reading on the bunk in my cell, I looked up and saw Father Moe’s face on my little television screen. He was on the local 11:00 p.m. news. When prisoners purchase a television from the prison commissary, its speakers are removed so we can only hear with headphones. I scrambled to put my headphones on, but whatever caused my friend’s presence on the news, it was over before I could hear anything. I would have to stay awake until 1:00 AM for the nightly news to be repeated.
The next two hours laying on my prison bunk in the dark were agonizing. It was August 9, 1999, and the momentum of ancient accusations and financial settlements was again picking up steam in my diocese and throughout New England. In just two years’ time, the national explosion of claims against priests would take place.
I was left to agonize over why my friend’s photo was on the evening news. Had Father Moe been accused? Despite his distance from me, I was horrified by the thought. I could see laid out in the dark before me his life in ruins as contingency lawyers, the news media, and so-called Catholic “reformers” lusted for the blood of any priest accused, lying in wait to spread far and wide any dirt that could be found. Trial-by-media would soon commence.
I saw before me Father Moe’s life and priesthood shatter as his bishop surrenders his entire personnel file without context, every inclusion, once promised to be confidential, now scrutinized for any hint of priestly imperfection. I saw before me the havoc about to be wrecked upon my friend’s civil rights and civil liberties as Father Moe is banished forever to the limbo of zero tolerance and administrative leave, denied even a means to support himself.
And these, I knew, would be visited upon Father Moe by fellow Catholics, his brothers and sisters in Christ. I could not even begin to imagine what awaited my friend at the hands of zealous police and ambitious prosecutors, or the many thugs in prison eager for their fifteen minutes of fame.
So I laid there in the dark, a night of Gethsemane in prison, in terror of what I could only imagine was to be the fate of my friend, someone I knew with a moral certainty would never be capable of abusing anyone – a certainty Father Moe himself once had of me.
As 1:00 AM neared, I pulled my TV closer, put on my headphones, and waited, trembling, for the news. There it was. Father Moe’s gray-bearded image filled the tiny screen, and now I knew. My friend, Father Moe, was not accused. He was dead.
And for that I felt immediate but shameful relief that Father Moe was spared the witch-hunt I have lived. I am utterly ashamed that I came to see a friend’s tragic death as preferable to the millstone of scandal. I am utterly ashamed of the suspicion and betrayal that Satan has spawned in our Church, and not for the first time. Remember “Catholic Scandal and the Third Reich“? We were duped, and we let ourselves be duped.
Father Moe died on his 60th birthday. He had taken his canoe out for a ride on a nearby lake. In a better life, I would have been with him in that canoe on that day. Moe never learned to swim. As his parish gathered in the church hall for a surprise party, Father Moe’s canoe capsized. While struggling to hang on, he suffered a heart attack and drowned. My dear friend, Father Moe, was gone, and the secret of his years of silence toward me was gone with him.
LES MISERABLES
My dream about Father Moe so many years later led me only to empty chairs at empty tables in that abandoned retreat house. I knew right away where the image came from. On the preceding Sunday afternoon, while working on “If Night Befalls Your Father,” I happened to turn my little television to a local PBS station. It was airing the 25th Anniversary Concert of “Les Miserables” in London. I was never a fan of musicals, but I was captivated by the magnificent score of Les Miserables, by the indescribable beauty and majesty of it. For three hours, I stopped typing, escaped from prison into the tragedy and beauty of Les Miserable as the human condition played out in its unforgettable musical score.
Days later, I awoke from my dream to a song playing mournfully in my mind, spurred on by the dream – or perhaps the other way around. The song was “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” sung by Nick Jonas, cast as Marius in Les Miserables. It’s the ode of Marius in a wartime hospital after a grueling battle in the French Revolution. Marius dreamed that he was back with his comrades in his favorite cafe, but he slowly became aware that there were just empty chairs at empty tables. If sadness itself could be set to music, it would take the form of that song.
Recently, my friend, Father Joe Coffey, drove twelve hours round trip from Philadelphia to visit me in prison. During our visit, I told him about this post and the story of my friend, Father Moe. Father Joe asked me why I am not bitter. I could not answer.
But I have thought about it since. There is far too much bitterness in this entire affair. I wish I could have seen sooner that it was Satan himself who had stepped into our midst and divided us, and we let him. I see it now.
But bitterness is like clay in Satan’s hands, and I cannot give it over to him. I have lost my capacity for bitterness. I have only sadness left for Father Moe. It is burden enough. I pray for him, and I ask you to pray for him as well on this August 9th, the twelve year anniversary of his death.
I forgive you, Moe, for taking that exit. And I forgive you for leaving me, beaten by robbers, stranded on the side of the road. Satan just hates forgiveness. It’s his undoing.
Hi Father, I am praying for you today. I know all your sufferings and hardships are winning many souls to Christ. In this valley of tears, I often ask the Lord, how long oh Lord, how long until I see you? I know this is selfish because so many souls in purgatory and on earth need my sacrifices, this truth is what keeps me going through the trials of life. The church militant longs to join the church triumphant we are all one in the longing for God and for each other. Let us never loose hope while striving for our final goal.
God bless you
Kim L.
My interpretation of empty tables and chairs surprised me. So much said in so few words. Amazing! It reminds me of a difficult abandonment. All seems gone. But there is a gift, humility. Humility is always arduous. It is a hard mountain to climb. Who really wants to admit the truth about themselves? In order to really see ourselves, we have to be humble and a big part of that is letting go of so much that has consoled us in our lives. That means people, memories, and anything that takes us away from God. Often that means, “best friends.” We take away that love and place it in the palm of God’s hands. One thing we know for sure is that God will refill us with His love. Humility is a real emptying out and indwelling at the same time. When we truly empty out, it reminds me of St. John of the Cross’ book, “The Dark Night of the Soul.” We feel so spiritually dry, and that is a difficult place to be in the life of the Spirit. Then we must read Scripture and get God’s word into us and through us as someone said. We must pray, even when it feels like you are eating food that you don’t like.
Hope is expecting God to take care of those things we have no control over. However, if we are to be humble Christians filled with hope, we really need to spend time with Jesus. That is where the empty table and chairs come from. They are empty for all of those in this world, including ourselves, who are sinners. We have the privilege of confessing our sins, doing penance, and amending our lives.
Father’s Gordon’s parish is a prison where he can show tremendous love and he has no idea how many are offering Mass with him one night a week. God bless you for that, Father. I only get to go to Mass twice a year. With your Mass, I feel like I am there with you.
If there was a Pulitzer for blog posts, this would deserve a nomination. The video clip of “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables from Les Miserables” is both beautiful and painful as is this post.
Hi Fr. Gordon!
After Communion at Mass yesterday, I went into a little alcove in our church that has a statue of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I always do that to get some privacy. I was thinking about “who should I light this candle for?” (It was the last big one!) I picked it up to light it. It was one of those with saints on the glass, & still wondering, “who?”
Then I read the print under the picture of a Spanish Infant Jesus,
“Atocha, Patron of those falsely Imprisoned!!” AWESOME!!!!!
God bless
Kathleen
Keep them, I pray Thee dearest Lord, keep them for they are Thine – Thy priests whose lives burn out before Thy concecrated shrine. Keep them for they in the world, though from the world apart; when earthly pleasures tempt allure, – shelter them in Thy heart. Keep them, and comfort them in hours of loneliness and pain, when all their life of sacrifice for souls seems but in vain. Keep them, and O remember, Lord, they have one but Thee, Yet they have only human hearts with human frailty. Keep them as spotless as the Host that daily they caress; Their every thought and word and deed, Deign dearest Lord to bless.
There is another priest who has been falsely accused and cut loose by his diocese. Friday, August 5th, 2011 was the final day for testimony. Monday begins the closing arguments. He is a frail, holy priest, a good priest, and now he has been abandoned by all but a few. Please pray for Father Bothdan Borowic. He is a Byzantine Rite Catholic Priest. His accuser has a history of accusing priests. It is reprehensible that the Catholic Church (in this case the Ukranian Catholic Church) offers no assistance to Her priests. Shame on them all! St. John Vianney and Pope St Pius X, pray for us that we might be delivered from these terrible trials.
I always think after reading your words. Few people have the gift seeing implications and the underlying conditions that afflict the modern world.
I have the hope of heaven, so hopefully someday we can meet for a beer at the pub on the corner of Martyr Way and Redemptive Suffering Blvd. (Of course this will only happen if it is NOT true that “In Heaven There Is No Beer”)
Nerine Shatner, the spouse of William Shatner, the actor, drowned in the pool on August 9, 1999. Drowning is a very sad death. I remember personally the drowning death of a little girl of 7 years old, the daughter of the friend of my cousin.
“Tears in his eyes
And a prayer on his lips
And the glove of his lost love
was at his fingertips
Moddy river more deadly
than the vainest knife…”
John Fogerty
I will include Father Moe in my prayers. Tomorrow night I will join you for your mass. I have prayed many times for you in the last days.
You know no bitterness,
because you have forgiven your accusers;
you know no bitterness,
because you have accepted judicial prejudices;
you know no bitterness,
because you honor your bishop ignoring you;
you know no bitterness,
because your trust is with the Son of Man.
In your heart there is no longer room for bitterness
because our Lord’s command “love thy enemy”
rules supreme in your heart and mind.
Father in Heaven,
be praised forever for sending us Gordon, your priest,
to teach us to free ourselves from bitterness and hate.
Amen
pierre matthews
I am praying Jesus to visit you in a coming dream to hold you in His arms, on his sacred Heart, to console you. It is important to forgive as we are all sinners, and we pray that sinners will repent their evil deeds. However, it is most important to understand that we have only one true friend, and it is Jesus. I am certain that you are most humble, and you certainly read all the most important spiritual books, as St. John of the Cross or the Imitation of Christ. I will try to start to be with you on Sunday night at 11:20 p.m. Remember that we are all living in our own cells of sorrows on Earth. Your cell is more real and million times more difficult that most. I trust in the mercy and justice of God. I’ll pray for you, but also please pray for me. Thank you for your very helpful articles. You are helping me on my spiritual journey.
Fr. Jim Kretz says it all…for all of us.
Eternity awaits!
A clarification from my earlier comment: I should have stated, more accurately, that the priest from Massachusetts was cleared of all charges, rather than acquitted.
I confess impatience until next Wednesday’s post. Thank you Suzanne and Charlene!
Fr. Gordon, Our prayers are always with you and we too have learned to forgive but I am sorry to say I/we cannot seem to find a way to forget and your story brings to mind that the betrayal hurts more than the accusation. I thank you for helping us know and love Our Father now, more than ever. I don’t understand accusations but I am willing to forgive. I thank you through my tears of abandonment but I know I must follow the narrow path and your Spirit of love helps us to continue our lives with humility and hope. God bless you Fr. Gordon.
Fr. Gordon,
I wanted to add that I’m sorry Fr. Moe abandoned you but I’m grateful that you have forgiven him and I like what you said about forgiveness being Satan’s undoing.
I will pray for Fr. Moe on August 9th and one thing I believe about him as that since that day in 1999, Fr. Moe knows the truth for sure.
Many of those who write to you seem to be very wise and I am especially touched by this phrase, “Evil can only win if good people look away. It is an unfortunate fact of life (perhaps always has been) that it is easier to pretend that Evil is not winning than it is to stand up to it.” from Elizabeth Mahlou’s post.
Pax Christi,
Rita
Dear Fr. Gordon,
As usual, this is an interesting article. It is heart breaking how you and your case have been treated by the some police officers, lawyers, media and members of your diocese.
I think most people but especially police officers, lawyers, the media and clergy would do well to realize that they are servants of the people and not the other way around.
We should reflect often on Fr. Moe’s words, “This is not for you, it’s for them. Never forget that.”
Over the years, I have personally known some cops and lawyers who were glory hounds. They seek glory at the expense of others and then chase down the media.
They are not serving the people and they are not serving God, and because of this, I’m afraid they will have hell to pay. – Pun intended.
I am sorry that you have been in prison for such a long time and you began to suffer long before that because of lies of people who are evil and some who may be unknowingly influenced by evil.
I know your suffering is not going to waste and I pray the because of your suffering, some people will be allowed to have discernment they have never had before. I hope they will become aware and actually see the harm their actions of have done to others.
I agree with what some wise person said, “Just because we know we can’t save the world, doesn’t mean we should ever stop trying.”
Love and prayers,
Rita
PS Thank you for your kind words and I will be writing to you via snail mail, soon.
Hi Fr. Gordon:
You are not nor ever will be forgotten…to paraphrase what Our Heavenly Father said “Even if everyone should forget I will not forget you”…nor have I…You are in my prayers several times daily along with my friend Fr. Corapi…Mass will be offered for you and John this Saturday…which I will also include Fr. Moe.
Blessings and Much Peace the pain and abandonment will soon end and only joy, happiness and love will be remembered- Fr. Jim
Fr. Gordon,
This is an extremely powerful post!
It is unfortunate that you lost contact with Fr. Moe, but I don’t think there is any way to guess why. I lost many Soviet friends during the Cold War; each time I returned, some had moved, taken new jobs, with no way to reach me because I was living in the land of the enemy and communication outside the USSR was forbidden. Or perhaps they did not care enough to try. My daughter attended school there in seventh grade and once she left was never again allowed contact with her friends/classmates. All I ever knew, as in the case of your Fr. Moe, is that the connection was broken. I never tried to figure out the why. I lived with the what — the fact of the broken connection.
So many reasons have been suggested to you by your readers for the disappearance of Fr. Moe from your life, but the real reason could be something that none of us could possibly guess. It seems that you, like I with my Soviet friends, are grateful for the earlier time together, for the fact that God shared someone special for some period of time.
I pray for you, Fr. Gordon, and I weep for the fact that you have had to bear so much alone, that your parish did not stand behind you, as it should have, emotionally and financially. Evil can only win if good people look away. It is an unfortunate fact of life (perhaps always has been) that it is easier to pretend that Evil is not winning than it is to stand up to it.
Dear Fr. Gordon:
So glad your little television provided you to a few hours of escape from prison as you enjoyed the beautiful “Les Miserables” concert from London. Thanks to Suzanne for providing a link to the song sang by Nick Jones. (Just click on the link “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables”, and you, too, can enjoy that beautiful song that Fr. Gordon had enjoyed.) I loved it so much that we plan to go to the musical the next time it plays here in Cincinnati. Hope your TV provides you with many more hours of escape, Gordon. Love and prayers to you. LaVern
Hello Fr. Gordon: I think that Fr. Moe was, “got at”. Someone else would be threatened or hurt, perhpas he himself, if he did not cease showing his support for you. Whatever the reason, I am sure suffered because of his decision.
You are full of forgiveness, but, I know it is difficult. Saying, “thy will be done”, is something with which I have a hard time. At the same time, I have to say, “Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief.”
I will continue to pray for you each morning, and each Monday morning during my hour in a Chapel of Adoration.
Dear Father G,
The pain of not knowing why is such a deep wound. Your dreams are a vivid illustration of how deeply wounding your own way of the cross has been.
You may never know what stopped Father M from reappearing till the next life. Given he was always a faithful priest he may have been ordered to not appear and just as you obeyed your bishop so might he have done .It does not lessen the pain and sense of loss you continue to feel but like Jesus you are blessed with the grace to be able to say “Father forgive them” and it is this that cheats the Devil of victory and power over our souls.Braveheart is an apt name for you Father G
God Bless
Dear Father, my husband and son both work in prison as officers. I cannot imagine how much God Loves You to use you in this way…and how much you must love God to allow Him to use you as an instrument of peace. The stories that I hear of the moral vacuum that is the daily grind of prisoners makes my heart weep for you. Be strong dear Brother in Christ…be strong. Life is short…Eternity forever. United always in that tremendous Heart of Hearts.
Aloha Father G.:
What vivid dreams you have! What a powerful post you wrote! What a forgiving person you are!
God bless,
From the Easter Vigil readings: Exodus 14:15 – 15:1 “He so clogged their wheels that they could hardly drive.” We will do well to remember these words of His… Also, we would do well to hear Saint Paul when says: “in Him we live and breathe and have our being”, or again: “He is in us and we are in Him”…
It’s quite a mystery how we have before us, yet again, an article that is heavy with agony and hope simultaneously. I spent quite a while yesterday evening reading archived entries (I had my days mixed-up and thought yesterday was Wednesday…checked for the newest post, seeing none, spent the time reading – more like, absorbing – anyway). I started printing off some of your archived posts thinking, “I’ve got to get others to read these!” and alas, my printer ink cartridge completely drained empty in the process.
Like many others who read these posts, I mourn that you have undergone these sufferings, Fr G. But as you heard on your ordination day, “This is for them”. Even though in the dream there were empty chairs, all of us who read and comment are real flesh & blood, and we are touched deeply. Maybe the chairs are empty from your viewpoint, but be assured they are not.
In addition to Father Moe, please pray for the repose of two priestly souls: Father EH of Alabama, who took his own life recently, and Father Charles Murphy of Massachusettes, a good an energetic priest who died recently of a “broken heart” after the painful process of being accused (and finally, Deo Gratias, being completely acquitted of) two charges of sexual abuse that were claimed to have happened decades earlier.
Please kindly also pray for me and my family, and a heavy cross.
Hi Fr. Gordon. Thank you so much for this post! I agree completely with Jeannie Ash! The level of Evil in the world & the Church is escalating beyond anything that could be attributed to “mere mortals”! One after another, the “Evil One’s” minions are being exposed, both in the church & our culture. The EU is ‘sitting on’ a proposition to give all children & infants, “the right to sexual pleasure”. Yes, the “right” to be a pedophile! They even had manuals printed for parents to teach them how to “help” their infants. I’m not going to continue that, but there’s even worse coming down the road. Our Church & our world are just beginning a cleansing process. I too believe that “Les Miserable s” was an inspired piece.
My husband was falsely accused, & it almost killed him. To this day, there has never been an apology, or an acknowledgement. For the person to do so, would then show their own life to be built on a lie. He has forgiven, I can’t say honestly that I have totally, but it is getting better. The “Veil” is thinning, & the war in the heavenly’s is spilling over .
God bless & keep you. I had been praying for a spiritual adviser for several years. Now, just when I need it most, there you are! That’s what your writings are for me. Sorry God had to “lock you up “!!
Seriously, I am praying for your release, ASAP.
Kathleen
Marguerita, you are absolutely marvellous! your both testimonies are actually perfect. Congratulation!
Dear Fr. Gordon,
You are such a good shepherd!!!!
Even at my age, I have learned so much from you.
You have taught me how to carry my own little crosses. My prayer group , Mary Morning Star , prays for you unceasingly.
All of your posts have been such a teaching experience. You have no idea how much you help others. Pray for us, as we pray for you.
In His Name,
Patricia Heb 13:3
JMJ
Hi Fr. MacRae,
Peace be with you. You have a place at my table. Roberta and I have not forgotten you.
Your brother in Christ,
Jim
Fr Gordon, I continue too pray for you. invocations to the passion of Christ. psalms,John 14:,15 1-5,etc.
Fr. Gordon,
I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to visit you while I was on my vacation. I am humbled by your example of forgiveness and your desire for the truth to someday be known. I hope and I will continually pray every day that the truth will set you free. God bless you. Stay strong. Fr. Joe ps I hope you got the book I sent you.
Father, if only to assuage the sense of isolation a little I need to share that Les Mis was also something extraordinary to me because it was not appealing due to its musicality, but due to the abundance of grace during the story. Victor Hugo had to have been divinely inspired when he wrote it.
I kept waiting to hear the ‘wrap up’, where you’d at long last find out what happened with Father Moe. Given the times and my infinitely weak humanity, my suspicion, upon having no such result, was that someone ‘got to him’ and with all of you so giving and so open I imagined that by threatening to hurt someone in Father Moe’s care they could have blocked him, while he would otherwise have been tireless in your defense.
Those who want you, Father Corapi and others to submit to this trial are overlooking the fact that the Church’s saints were often persecuted by the outside of the church. To support an ongoing persecution by corrupt individuals has nothing to do with humbly submitting to injustice, it just supports their likely desire to tarnish and undermine Christ’s body.
I am not encouraging any re-ignition of rage or bitterness, but patient confrontation with injustice cannot be allowed to stand. Our country is at this moment going down for the count towards a global evil.
As I said to my spiritual director, and he agreed with me, the ONLY place standing up for justice and humanity in all the world is the Catholic church. While there may be worthy Protestants 40,000 denominations, with people leaving because a church doesn’t ‘feel’ right and with scriptural interpretation as egregious as our Constitutional interpretation, it has to be the Catholic church. No other entity supports ACTIVELY defending humanity, truth, charity and dignity for all.
There can be no mystery why your humble circumstances have, against all odds, made such an impression on this vast global web. You are experiencing the same supernatural effect as Mother Angelica’s pursuit of EWTN, with absolutely nothing in her bank account.
I dream the typical dream of those who suffer from claustrophobia, of being shut in or buried alive, and so just your reality overwhelms me, but the other day I experienced one of those sweet moments of grace, when you could briefly understand how a saint could be totally sealed in and yet so connected to God that even that would not phase him. I wish for you such a connection, but I understand that it is another grace to NOT have it. Mother Teresa once said that were she to ever be a saint she would be one of darkness. I presumed this to mean that like St. Theresa, the Little Flower, she was still suffering the dark night. We know from those closest to her that at the end God lifted that veil but she waited patiently for decades and still praised God for her separation, bowing to His will as being what was best for her. We know she would claim frustration though, so it is no wonder that you are affected sometimes more strongly.
I am far too unworthy to presume to give you any sort of advice, but I do humbly share that it is highly unlikely that Father Moe changed his viewpoint on you. He found so much to refute the claims and he shared those with you and you know he pursued those efforts. You also know how much of the injustice sprang from internal disorder and you know how you were left without answers. I frankly believe that Father Moe never stopped praying for you and something blocked him from supporting you that had more to do with leverage than with any renunciation of the injustice to you.
I highly suspect that this whole evil has sprung so many webs of lies that those who are given some insight into what happened, could be horrified that some who are now doing good and are well respected, have made some Faustian bargains which would bring even more such scandal as to cause even the bravest to quake with fear.
“Blessed are those who do not see and yet still believe”. You, Father, are experiencing two dark nights of the soul, from God, which may be a grace to you, and from your brethren in clergy, which is a severe trial which God may also allow as a trial of such fire as to make your soul absolutely splendid. I say that to give you hope and to remind you of what Father Moe said, “This if for them.”
God bless you.
Jeannie
Fr. Gordon, maybe Fr. Moe was riddled with guilt for what he did to you. One can only imagine the choice he had to make when the “powers that be” came down on him for being your friend. Maybe that guilt caused him more stress. Does anyone know how he fell out of his canoe?
Many of us have had a “Father Moe” in our life; some of us seem to have a penchant for attracting those who will leave when they are most needed or who will turn their back when we most need someone, anyone, to defend us and stand by us. Some of us have had to fight our own battles our entire life.
It is very hard to read what you write as my first inclination is to say “This can’t be true!” yet I know that it is. It is true, and there are even worse truths yet to be revealed.
You are in my daily prayers.
Fr McRae,
Whoa..I stumbled across your site when searching for updates on Fr John Corapi. I do quite a bit of surfing the net and had never heard of your story. This is absolutely mind-boggling, what you have been subjected to. I cannot imagine how big a cross this is for you. While I have much reading to do to get up to speed, your meticulous documentation, case history, etc has a ring of authenticity. I will continue to follow your story. In the interim, I have provided a small donation to your legal defense fund as a token of my solidarity with you and will offer up prayers for you to bear this difficult trial. Kindly pray for me as well when you offer your private Masses.
Dear Fr. Gordon,
Thank you for sharing these stories with us. Putting yourself out there on this vast internet is not an easy thing. While sharing certain memories can be painful, I know first hand that it can also be an aid to healing. Satan would like nothing better for you or any of us to just stuff those memories and let us drown in them.
I think all priests at their ordination should be whispered those words Fr. Moe said to you. I thank God for priests such as yourself who live them. I am blessed to be in a parish that has priests that live them as well.
Some day, by God’s grace , may you and all of us see those empty chairs at empty tables filled in Paradise.
I will keep Fr. Moe in my prayers and continued prayers for you and all the men there.
God bless.
Ah, Father, you really touched a nerve with this post. All I have to do is glimpse the title and the song starts up in my mind. I love Les Mis. . But more than the setting, your dream and experience with Father Moe remind me very much of circumstances in my own life. Even the Cursillo reference, lol, get out of my head! My first spiritual director was an Augustinian and active in Cursillo. Also I am from Philadelphia, and know Father Coffey from the prolife masses at St. John’s. Those are not the similarities I mean, though–I am referring to more substantive themes in my life.
But seriously, I know I am not in prison, and I am not comparing my life to yours. I think the Holy Spirit just grabs me sometimes and wants to teach me something. I don’t know what it is yet, but thank you for recounting all these painful events. I can’t imagine what the cost must be for you to put it all into words.
I really know the feeling you speak of when you talk about Father Moe. My prayers are with you.
Fr Gordon,
Truly you must share in Christ’s suffering on the cross. You know what he endured when he was abandoned by those closest to him. I pray He will always be close to you.
I have never been hurt or betrayed that badly by anyone close to me, yet I find it hard to forgive even small slights. That is a great grace you have been given to be able to forgive, and to let go of bitterness. Please pray for me that I too may have that grace.
God bless you always,
Marguerita