“Midway in our life’s journey, I went astray from the straight road and woke to find myself in a dark wood. How shall I say what wood that was? I never saw so drear, so rank, so arduous a wilderness! Its very memory gives a shape to fear. Death could scarce be more bitter than that place! But since it came to good, I will recount all that I found revealed there by God’s grace.” (The Dark Wood of Error,” Dante’s Inferno)
I received some snail mail recently from Liz Feuerborn who frequently comments on my posts at These Stone Walls. At the very end of her letter was a scribbled P.S.: “You haven’t mentioned Skooter in awhile. Is he okay?” Several other readers have also asked about Skooter in their recent comments, and it’s odd that his name should come up right now.
It’s odd because on the day I received Liz’s letter, I had just spent an hour outside in the freezing cold prison yard talking with Skooter. The short answer to Liz’s question is “No,” Skooter is not okay, but I’m pretty sure he will be.
Newer readers of These Stone Walls may need to be introduced to Skooter whose story was told two years ago. My post, “In the Year of the Priest, the Tale of a Prisoner” told a gripping story that many TSW readers found to be both deeply sad and triumphantly hopeful. Skooter came into this prison a few years ago handicapped by trauma – a lot of trauma – and the entire infrastructure of his life had crumbled in response to it. Sometimes, the road to prison is paved with far more sorrow than evil intent. I have learned that Skooter is a lot less capable of evil intent than most men, but his response to sorrow needs some work.
Skooter’s story was revisited last July in “The Tale of a Prisoner Retold: Skooter at the Beginning of Wisdom.” The person I described there looked like Skooter, but with new direction, new goals, and new tools to reach them. It was an important post that I hope you will re-read if you need some Lenten hope.
In that post, I informed readers that as I was writing it, Skooter was moved to a minimum security prison outside these stone walls, and was gone from our sight. Skooter left with his hard-earned high school diploma from the prison’s “Granite State High School.” I described the day Skooter left:
“Skooter walked out the door that day carrying two plastic trash bags containing the sum total of his possessions. The mountain he must climb still has some peaks yet to be conquered. Prison rules allow for no further contact, by mail or otherwise, with anyone Skooter knew here. He is on his own.”
Well every mountain with peaks also has valleys, and Skooter has tumbled into one. Skooter, who despises being picked on by others, and sometimes has a short fuse, broke a host of prison rules. So eight months after telling Pornchai and me of his gratitude for our help and example, Skooter was sent back inside the prison. The path from the minimum security unit to the prison gates is not-so-affectionately called “The Road to Perdition,” and it’s not misnamed. Skooter received a six-month banishment back within these stone walls, and was once again ready to give up on himself and everything else – but only if we were prepared to let him. We were not.
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
Pornchai came back to this cell from a woodcarving project one day last month and said, “I have good news and bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” I asked, always wanting to get it out of the way first. “Skooter’s back!” Pornchai said. I just groaned. “And what’s the good news?” I asked. “Skooter’s back!” Pornchai said again.
I saw his point. When Skooter left us eight months ago, I told him that if he ever ended up back here, we would not know him. Technically, he committed no new crime, but that’s a moot point. I am seldom able to keep such hard-nosed resolve. So I was both glad and sad to see Skooter.
It took a month for Skooter to be processed through all the steps to end up in the prison’s general population again, but he arrived in the building in which we live a week before I received Liz Feuerborn’s letter asking about him. Skooter is on the uppermost floor, in a tier housing eight prisoners per cell. Things are not made easy for those who come back. Our only chance to speak is by spending an icy hour shivering in the prison yard.
THE END OF THE WORLD
You might remember my post, “Pre-Apocalyptic Prison Paranoia” last year. It was about Reverend Harold Camping’s expensive full-page ads in USA Today predicting the end of the world on May 21, 2011. I learned of the prediction when Skooter came bursting into my cell one day brandishing a copy of the full-page announcement of doom in USA Today. My first reaction was to sigh at the expensive waste. Just one of those ads could probably have funded my entire appellate defense that Ryan MacDonald wrote about two weeks ago, but that’s beside the point. It would also have funded some housing and a head start for someone like Skooter. He could then parole out of prison instead of jumping through all the hoops that bring poorer prisoners without families back inside here. Skooter found Harold Camping’s silly end-of-the-world predictions too easy to believe, and maybe even too preferable.
Skooter’s own world, after all, has abruptly ended many times. The idea of faith has been something Skooter just hasn’t been ready for. The last time he was here, he dabbled in the nativist religion of his Norwegian ancestors. I listened to his stories of Odin and Thor ad infinitum. Like the experience of lots of Catholic parents I know with clumsily searching young adult offspring, I also knew that forcing a discussion about the Catholic faith would alienate Skooter even more. So I waited. Skooter had to believe in us before he could believe in what we believe. Like Pornchai once wrote so movingly in “Pornchai’s Story“:
“The priest in my friend had not been extinguished by his own years in prison. He never asked me to become Catholic. He never even mentioned it. It is the path he is on, and I was drawn to it by the sheer force of grace.”
Once Skooter was back “inside,” however, I subjected him to what some might consider cruel and unusual punishment. I sent our friend Donald Spinner out to tell Skooter of his own story of conversion and his life of faith, and of how this has transformed and sustained Donald in all the ways that matter.
More importantly, however, Donald was to also tell Skooter of his post-conversion failure that be described in “The Conversion of Saint Paul and the Cost of Discipleship,” and that sent Donald to “the hole” for a time out. Donald’s story of emerging after months in “the hole,” of standing upright again, of being forgiven, and of being reconciled with God and the Church and his friends struck a chord with Skooter. I am grateful to Donald whose zeal for his faith, like Pornchai’s example, has a ripple effect on other prisoners as I described “In A City on a Hill.” In fact just last Sunday morning, Donald was sponsor for a prisoner who has returned to the Church and was Confirmed.
So the reason I was outside shivering in the yard last week was to hear Skooter tell me of his decision to become Catholic. I always knew this was coming some day, but I did not know it was to be this day, and in response to yet another setback.
Another world for Skooter is coming to an end, and a new one is beginning. There is a Capuchin priest, a very fine man, who comes to this prison monthly to hear the confessions of Catholic prisoners. Early last Friday morning, I met Skooter on the Road to Emmaus, and asked him where he is going. “I’m going to confess that I have believed in false gods,” he said. I told Skooter that he isn’t obligated to confess since he is not yet Baptized. “Can I still go?” he asked. “The past feels heavy, and I want to get it off my chest.” This was nice to hear. Two years ago, it was the future that felt heavy for Skooter.
As we walked across the prison yard through all the barriers and barred doors toward the prison chapel, I told Skooter that I’m very glad he listened to Donald and that it had some effect on him. “Actually, you planted this tree,” Skooter said. “Donald just threw in some fertilizer.” Donald is not entirely enamored of that analogy, but it’s the story Skooter’s going with.
I wanted this to be a shorter post than my usual in the hopes readers will read, or re-read, “The Tale of a Prisoner,” and, if you have time, “Skooter at the Beginning of Wisdom” along with today’s post. Together, they are the story of a soul, and an account of conversion and grace worthy of our Lent.
And of Pornchai and Donald, well, Scripture has something to say of them, too:
“My brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from “the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” (The Letter of James 5:19-20).
But don’t tell this to Donald. He’ll start dragging in the downtrodden, and the spiritually lame, and the brokenhearted. There’s no shortage of them here, and Donald Spinner – like the flawed Apostles of old – will want to bring them all home.
I’m not really sure now whether this post is about Skooter or about Donald. At the age of 41 and in prison, Donald has opted to live “In a City on a Hill” as I described in my Ash Wednesday post. If he knows that Saint James is promising frequent flier miles, Donald might just put me out of a job.
Father, I hope you realize that you have your own virtual parish outside of the stone walls. I am happy to hear your weekly sermons.
dear Father, your post gives me hope, hope of every kind; of my 3 children returning to the Sacraments, of their forgiving one another and being at peace w/each other. Of my mother dying in the state of grace, of my own journey to Mary and her Son becoming more meaningful and humble and loving.
Thank you Father; these stories you write actually give me a lot of hope, love and Faith.
I once wrote to you that in my estimation you are just where God wants and needs you. I still believe that is true; your future is in His hands and it will be as He wills it.
God Bless you Father and may Mary and her Son bless you abundantly
Literature is filled with stories of heroes who were wrongly branded as traitors or falsely accused of crimes, but somehow found the grace to remain heroes despite adversity. There Stone Walls is a modern version of that epic story.
I am so glad to hear about Skooter. I felt it would be very difficult for him facing life on the outside and cut off from his friends inside.
It is such wonderful news to think he is joining our family. We might be a motley bunch of sinners but we don’t give up on one another because He never abandons us
God bless
Fr.Gordon
Thank you for taking care of my big brother Donald!!! He has needed a nice man like you in his life. I am glad he has found himself and his faith! Keep up the good work in what you do!
Dear Fr. MacRae:
What a most beautiful and heart-rending letter to Fr. Byers in response to his “Open Letter” to you. God bless you and ALL His faithful priests. I, too, am speechless – what a Lenten message in these letters!! Thank you.
http://holysoulshermitage.com/2012/03/02/father-gordon-macrae-writes-to-holy-souls-hermitate/
praying for you father , think about Jesus who was in the prison , and many of the apostles. It is bad out side as the diocese is reprimanding the priest who rightously denied communion for some body who does not repent for her sins. I am confident that your innocence will be rewarded
I have been praying for Skooter, and will continue to do so. I often wondered how he was doing. So God brought him safely back to your care, how wonderfully He works.
My heart is full. I know not what to say.
Thanks for all you have written.
Blessings to you dear Fr., and to Pornchai and Skooter as well.
I am but a lump of clay. I was not well-formed in Catholicism. I think I was thrown in the road of Catholicism and run over by passing movements, mushed with the trays of cafeteria Catholicism, kicked about by the Fr. Feelgoods, and left out in the sun to dry out in my lack of nourishment. But God found me, stuck me with another lump of clay, and we flopped along through life getting better shaped as we tried to learn and be obedient. Twenty-five years of marriage, and four kids, and still far from perfect! but we still try. You are such an encouragement to us, Father! We may be out in this world growing, but you have a secret garden within your stone walls. God Bless you. In your lowest moments, I hope you know how much you matter to so many in the world.
“My brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from “the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” (The Letter of James 5:19-20).
Dear Father, this describes you! You are His favored son for you still carry on His work despite all the evil one does to try to stop you.
Every Mass every day is dedicated to you and your work dear friend. God bless you all and now I add Skooter to the list!
You are in His Hands.
Jeannie
Dear Father,
Your post about Skooter is proof that God can bring wonderful good from the not so good or even evil.
Please thank Pornchai, Donald and Skooter for sharing some bit if not all of their stories through you. People need to see and hear that all is not lost behind prison walls.
Pornchai’s words about you are so true- the priest in you is not extinguished despite all that you have endures in prison all these years. Keep planting those trees and hopefully Donald, Pornchai and soon Skooter can spread some holy fertilizer
I am so glad you shared this story; it is filled with hope and perfect for this Lenten season.
Continued prayers for you and all the men there, and a few extra for Skooter as he begins his journey home to the Catholic Church.
God bless.
You know I had to comment, right?
Thank you, Father Gordon, for all you do and for sharing it with all of us.
Somehow I wonder about Fr. Neuhaus and Cardinal Dulles and their part in all of this. I don’t know why, but somehow they came to mind today.
These courageous men instill so much hope in me! Jeremy did last week with his comment. Just yesterday I was telling my sister once again how much Pornchai inspires me. Now here I reread about Skooter, Donald, Joseph etc. and I really do feel encouraged. God makes such beautiful things come out of such painful situations. It makes me take pause and ponder why I fight pain so much and try to avoid it.
It also makes me think of when you quoted Fr. Jonathon Morris in God Wants You Happy:
“I was being reminded by grace of God’s promise to us: he will bring out of every bad situation, out of every single instance of pain and suffering in our lives, a greater good – yes, an even greater good than the goodness we are missing now – if we let him.” (p. 3-4).
If they can rise up as they have there of all places in the midst of their continuing struggles, I can surely pick up my pathetic, rinky-dink, little cross up and carry on with my day.
God bless you and all of them, Father Gordon. My prayers and offerings are for all of you today.
I just read about Skooter, Father. There is only so much the human psyche can take.
Father, ask Skooter to pray for me. There is no doubt in my mind that he is more pleasing to God than I am.
Ah, I’ve often wondered what became of Skooterwithakay, and remembered him in prayer. Is he sure he wants to become Catholic? After all, the Church holds up as role models people who were prostitutes (Mary of Egypt), playboys (Augustine), worldly flirts (Teresa of Avila), awkward and unwanted outcasts (Joseph of Cupertino) and condemned exiles (Claude de la Colombiere). And those are just the ones we like to brag about.
Entrusting this valuable man to Mary, and God’s grace be with him always.
Thank you for sharing with us this poignant Lenten tale.
Dear Fr. McRae,
I have been reading your blog for a while now, although not everyday but as often as I can. Your posts never fail to inspire me and oftentimes, I find myself tearing up. I am amazed and humbled by the faith and humility in your words.
I’d like you to know that I will include you and all priests, especially those who, like you, are falsely accused and being persecuted for being who they are: faithful men of God.
God bless you and the work that you do. Yes, I do believe that you are accomplishing so much more for Him in prison than when you were outside. And God bless everyone there with you.
Fr. Gordon,
I know your burdens are heavy as the previous poster said but to see how God still uses you as His instrument even in your suffering and you’re absolute yes to whatever He seems to ask of you is not only incredible to those of us outside looking in but helps us ALL in ways that I don’t think another Priest could.. Keep up the good fight Father. Never give up because it is more than quite obvious God will never give up on you… He continues to bless us through you.. and I know for myself and as I am sure many many others, we thank God for the gift of you..
With Much love and many prayers,
Robyn- South Carolina
Your burdens are so heavy, and yet your writings are so finely wrought. Thank you, Father, for sharing with us.