Prisoners often mention the “Ten-year Syndrome,” the point at which they seem to lose all contact with family, friends, and the life they knew before prison. As I faced my fifteenth Christmas in prison last year, I wrote my usual Christmas letter to friends and supporters – a group that had dwindled much over the years. It was a nice letter. It was heartfelt. But it was never mailed.
I sent the letter to only one person instead of the hundred or so friends and contacts who had followed my situation over the years. The sole recipient of the letter wrote that she was heartbroken to learn that my letter was never sent. She wanted to know what happened. I had no explanation.
I thought a lot about this over the last year. Last Christmas was the first time in a decade that I had no outreach to those who try to keep in touch with me. I realize today that I had just reached the end of all hope. I felt that the Church had become so polarized over the issue of accused priests, and so saturated with one-sided bad news, that no one was listening to me.
A law professor who had been reviewing These Stone Walls recently wrote to a friend of mine that she “takes with a healthy degree of “skepticism” any convicted prisoner’s claim of innocence. I can’t say I blame her, but is that healthy skepticism available when priests are accused?
Sometimes skepticism feels insurmountable, and that’s where I was last Christmas. I had fought and fought for years to be heard before the clergy sexual abuse crisis reached a national scale in 2002. Since then, I’ve felt buried by an avalanche of skepticism. I felt that I had been running in place for fifteen years. I looked at my Christmas letter last year, and then set it aside asking, “What’s the point?”
Then, two weeks before Christmas last year, Cardinal Avery Dulles died. Within days of this, I learned that Father Richard Neuhaus had a diagnosis of cancer with a very poor prognosis. On January 8, 2009, Father Neuhaus also died. He and Cardinal Dulles were long time friends, nearly two decades apart in age, yet they died within twenty days of each other.
I plan to write about them both soon. These Stone Walls is dedicated to their memories and honors their witness. It is far from the case – I know that now – but a year ago, I felt stranded by their loss. They were my most vocal supporters.
There were other things, too, that conspired against hope last year. Late in 2008, two supporters took it upon themselves to draft a letter about my case to 1,000 priests. They asked each to review www.GordonMacRae.net, a web site sponsored by the National Center for Reason and Justice. (In coming months, that site will be integrated into These Stone Walls.)
Their letter asked each of the 1,000 priests to consider raising $50 – barely the cost of a day off – to help complete a legal review and investigation of the case. The letter also asked each priest to ask ten others to review the web site.
The letter to 1,000 priests really got my hopes up. Then it just faded away. The two supporters wanted to protect me from knowing that of the 1,000 priests the letter was sent to, only one responded. When I learned of this weeks before Christmas last year, I remember just letting out a long sigh, “Now, at least, I know!” I said to myself. “I have no place left to go.”
In Cardinal Dulles’s last letter to me, he encouraged me to keep writing. He foresaw a change of the tide of skepticism that I could not see coming. Cardinal Dulles wrote:
“Unfortunate though your situation is, you are in the position to carry on an effective apostolate on behalf of unjustly accused priests. The time is bound to come when the tide will shift and when even the bishops will be ready to hear the priests’ side of the story. The change will come, but not before the public is prepared for it by [cases] such as yours.”
READERS STEP UP!
Then, several months later, along came Suzanne asking me to write for Priests in Crisis at Pentecost. That led to the launch of These Stone Walls at the end of July. I receive printed copies of all the comments you post on These Stone Walls. I know that on other blogs there is more of a dialogue with readers, but my circumstances make that difficult.
I wonder if you know how much your comments have meant to me. I read and re-read them. There is no skepticism at all there. Your comments are filled with hope, and have proven to me exactly what Cardinal Dulles was convinced of. The tide is shifting, and the Church is ready to hear another side of the story of accused priests.
I think a number of my brother priests are now also reading These Stone Walls. A few are posting comments of their own. It is not so important that they read what I have to say, but I believe it is crucial that they read what YOU have to say.
Several of the supporters who have followed my case for years have written to me that the most remarkable thing about These Stone Walls is not my posts (Hmmph!), but your comments. They say that your comments have empowered them to face their own skepticism about whether justice and reason can ever prevail.
A friend of thirty-five years, a Catholic network television executive who attended my trial in 1994, recently wrote:
“I have been reading each of your posts on These Stone Walls. I am astounded by the prayerful support you’re receiving from readers. Wow! It is long overdue.”
Another friend and long time supporter recently wrote:
“I read your posted articles with interest, but my real interest has been in your readers’ comments. They are wonderful and hopeful, and very nice to see.”
When These Stone Walls was first considered, I was a bit nervous about an expected onslaught of negative, hateful comments. It’s astonishing that in the five months of this blog’s existence, only three such comments were aimed in our direction.
One was from a self-described member of Voice of the Faithful that was little more than a name-calling rant. One was from a contingency lawyer who made enormous profit from keeping the accusations against priests going. The third was from a from a man who was charged with trying to blackmail a Boston priest in 2003.
Voices like these have been given the loudest and last word in virtually every media article about accused priests since 2002. On These Stone Walls, you have overwhelmed and supplanted such comments with voices of reason, mercy, and truth – voices of faithful witness to the Gospel.
This Christmas, the angels we have heard on high are you, the readers of These Stone Walls.
O come, O Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that sets us free,
And close the path to misery.
O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of human kind;
Make all our sad divisions cease,
And be for us the King of peace.
(Veni Emmanuel, 9th Century, verses 5 and 7).
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Dear Mr. MacRae,
Australia is set to have it’s first Saint Mary McKillop next year. One day perhaps there will be a Saint Gordon. In a rather bizarre twist – I know of a Catholic man, innocently imprisoned in Adelaide Australia, also on false sex charges. (At least there a many unanswered questions nobody is willing to address). The accused man, serving a 25-year jail term, lived in a house, which used to be a Catholic convent. The Saint-to-be Mary McKillop once stayed at this house, a fact the gentleman is very proud of.
God bless you this Christmas and each day in the New Year.
Kind regards
Dieter Fischer
Adelaide, Australia
PS God has the final say in everything. The Lord is coming back as the judge! All will be revealed!
Please forgive those friends like me, who lift your name and cause in prayer every day, but have become lax in writing to you.
With our non-skeptical love at Christmas,
Don and Kathy Maxwell
Dear Brother in Christ.
I hold you up at mass and will pray for you daily,may our lord hold you close and give you Peace thru all your trials as he walks with you thru this cross you carry. It will be a joyous day when you are freed! I will carry you to the creche at Christmas Mass.
Please pray for all of us to persevere to the end as we pray for you!
Merry Christmas Fr M
To our shepherd, I read your posts over and over and I wonder what to say. Only that I pray and think of you daily.
I was blessed to go to Poland in Oct. 06. I visited Auschwitz and the evil of sin overwhelmed all of us. I saw St. Maximilliam Kolbe’s cell.
We touched our sacramentals to the walls and prayed for his strength in the days to come. I cannot tell you how devastating it was. I do not know why, but I brought home a rock, I guess to remind me of the horror of sin.
I do want you to know that you bring me hope, maybe that doesn’t make sense to you but it does to me. You are strength and love.
Pax Christi,
Pat I.O.L.
Father,
I found your blog a couple of months ago. When I read your posts I can’t help but wonder if those in prison who you have helped/are helping would be getting that help if you were on the outside. Like Fr. Ciszek, who I have seen you mention in your blog, you are ministering to people who badly need you. People who might not have had a chance to know Jesus, and be loved and forgiven by Jesus, had you not been there.
I came across a quote recently by Catherine of Siena that might interest you: “Everything comes from love, all is ordained for the salvation of man, God does nothing without this goal in mind. ”
You are a priest. Those stone walls haven’t changed that. You have a parish. You’ve written about a few of them in your blog. I am very happy that you have the Eucharist. Your post about being able to celebrate the Mass helped me in many ways. I passed it onto one of my priests. Only God knows how many souls will be saved because of you.
Thank you Father for all that you are doing to save souls. Both inside and outside of those walls.
Merry Christmas Father Gordon.
Dear Fr.
Your posts are always interesting and always pertinent to me. It is as if I have a priest who listens to me and really preaches to me what I need to hear. There is hope in what you write. I wish I could say that my own parish priest, God bless him, had this much to say. But I receive consolation, by God’s grace, from you, dear Fr., imprisoned and not allowed to live out your vocation as you had always hoped.
My own dear cousin who had been imprisoned in North Carolina for the last two years died on December 4th. He had terminal brain cancer. I thank God for him and pray for his soul daily. His name was Bob. I loved him. We were cousins who got together once in a while as adults when holidays would allow us the time. As children we got together with our families often especially at holiday time.
So many memories flood my mind when I think of him. His life did not end the way any of us thought it might have. He was a young man with great promise, great intelligence and great popularity. He exhibited great faith during his trials here on this earth. He did not seem to worry. He encouraged his mother, now in her 80′s to be hopeful, not to worry.
He said the Divine Mercy chaplet and seemed to have great care takers there at the prison. I miss him and will always pray for his soul. I never knew all that caused him to end up in prison. I don’t need to know. Whatever happened in his life was his business and not mine. I just continue to love him and pray for those he left behind who really miss him and love him as well.
At any rate, his life did not turn out as he had hoped or as any of us had hoped.
But maybe in God’s all loving and all knowing ways, He turns it all into something good. In fact, I know He does. He has done that with your life and your situation Fr. And I could see it happening with Bob’s life too. As I observed the peace and love that everyone shared during his memorial Mass and afterwards at the parish hall for lunch, I could see that our great and good Father in heaven was doing that very thing, turning a sad and tragic situation into one that has lead us all to peace and reconciliation in our families and amongst our friends. How good God really is.
I have never met you but I have not forgotten you since I became aware of your situation. I pray daily for you Fr. and I just want to thank you once again for all you have spoken to us through your writing. You have helped me in ways I did not expect. I thought I was helping you in some small way. I just wanted to take the opportunity to visit you, as Christ has beckoned us. Well, thanks for visiting me too Fr. MacRae. You are a good priest.
God bless you and may the tiny Savior the Father sent us touch your heart with gladness this Christmas.
Today I spent the afternoon visiting an old lady. When I left she took my hands and said, “This is what people need to do….they need to look at each other and just see people…just see them…notice them…take their hand.” Her 64 year old son said, “People need to talk to the ‘King’ in people….just see the King in them.”
Of course, he was talking about the good..about what God sees underneath all of the evil or mental illness, or outward unpleasant looks and uncooth vocabulary, etc. I was so touched by both of these simple statements from very simple seeming people in a very poor racial neighborhood. I met Christ this afternoon where I lwasn’t even anticipating finding Him.
I hate the thought of you in prison. My son is a priest as your mother’s son is a priest. I also realize though that these are the moments you have…and you are using them well. Your letters are gifts to all of us, especially at Christmas. The prisoners are your church, your pastorate…your flock…and hopefully we on the outside can be your community of support and prayer so that you can keep on keeping on and hoping and becoming more and more like Maximillian Kolbe who gave his all until his death….
and I pray that you continue to give your all until you are released. Have great Hope…because one day, that hope will be realized when you aren’t even looking for it. I look forward to my holy hour, being with you and others at Mass Sunday night.
Sharon
Dear Fr. Gordon,
I always look forward to this weekly meeting. I know you cannot write to me or entertain long correspondence. However, I think that your work – allow me to correct myself – your apostolate, has more value than that of many churchmen. Yours is a crucifixion, a long and painful one. I am sure I would not even have 1% of the moral strength you have. So, you are a beacon.
When, as a missionary in a foreign land, I get discouraged because of difficulties I meet, I think of you, and then my spirit is strengthened. You are the “angel we have heard on high”. Keep up the good work. I will post a link on my Blog for today’s posting.
As brothers in the priesthood, we remain united during the celebration of the mass. Peace !
Father, thank you so much for continuing to write. I, too, am so happy that the overwhelming response has been so positive. With others, I continue to pray that justice, REAL justice be done, all according to God’s will. God bless!
Dear Father,
I am glad that the comments posted here are what seem to be getting people’s attention. It is proof, hopefully, of what the power of prayer can do as well as the meaning of Christian charity.
Your posts help all of us as well. I often put them in my “Worth a Click” box on my blog. This blog is also on my Priestly blogroll.
I am glad that our comments mean something, but it is we who should thank you for your courage, perseverance, sacrifice and your wonderful sense of humor in the midst of such difficulty.
I will continue to unite my Sunday Mass and holy hour to your Sunday night Mass as well as keep you in my daily prayers. I know that Cardinal Dulles and Fr. Neuhaus are continuing to intercede for you.
Continued Advent Blessings!
Fr. McCrae,
I have been following along your blog posts since I saw a link at Suzanne’s blog a couple of months ago.
Since then, you have been in my prayers.
Dear Father,
What a lovely post.Sometimes I think we all wonder if what we do or say makes a diference and at these times I find it rather wonderful the way Jesus seems to inspire one or more of us to do the cheering on or encouraging.
No matter how dark the world becomes the frail candle of hope in the human heart will always illumine the darkness. I suspect that is why Lucifer likes to tempt us to despair. I think he really hates us to be like a child and simply trust even when we do not understand why things are turning out the way they are.
I think Jesus telling us to be like little children is very important A child who knows they are loved is completely trusting and never worries about material needs and they delight in the present moment. It is a spiritual challenge to do as Jesus asks and surrender in total trust.
I know I constantly backslide! It is a bit like your disciplined effort to maintain a level of physical fitness;you have to make the effort each and every day so too I find it is with the development of a child like spirit; it takes a daily effort.
I find your resilience and courage and that lovely sense of humour humbling and inspiring. Yours is a particularly painful cross To be innocent and falsely accused is a real torment which Jesus alone fully understands since He was The Innocent One who suffered so horribly for us.
I continue to pray for the miracle of recantations of false testimony and your continued resilience. God Bless you Father