If you have known the suffering of alienation, loss, or sorrow, then enter this Advent with a spirit of expectant hope, and be a beacon for those still held captive.
“O Come, O Come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.”
(12th Century Advent Chant with roots in the prophet Isaiah)
Prisoners everywhere long for any connection with the outside world. Each day’s Mail Call brings with it a hope that “today might be the day.” And so when a stack of mail is pulled from a mail bag, the crowd around me tightens in anxious expectation. In a cellblock of 24 prisoners, there are often 20 items of mail. Then comes the chorus of groans when 15 of them are addressed to me. (Don’t forget to review the “Mail Rules” at the Contact Page).
There was a chorus of cheers at “Mail Call” one recent night. A prison guard took great pleasure in announcing that there is a healthy stack of mail, “and none of it is for MacRae!” Everyone erupted in laughter. I get a lot of mail – more perhaps than any other prisoner here – and among all that mail the most frequent message I receive comes from readers who stumbled upon These Stone Walls while enduring their own dark times.
Whatever the source of our inner darkness, it is magnified at this time of year from Thanksgiving (in America) through New Year’s Day. ‘Tis the season of torment for those who mourn in lonely exile here in the commercial reduction of secular America’s “The Holidays.”
I try to respond to such letters quickly – which I hope helps explain my delay in responding to most others. The stories of pain, loss, and isolation do not fall on deaf ears with me. Among the most painful are from single mothers of sons who have gone to prison only to be swallowed up there, and changed for the worse, and from absent fathers who don’t know how to fix the devastation their absence has wrought.
The widowed, the dying, the betrayed, the abandoned, and the broken have written to me with a hope for prayers and any words that make sense of their plight. I do not have an arsenal of consolation to compensate for grief except for one thing that our secular culture is investing much capital into suppressing: Emmanuel has come to ransom captive Israel. God is with us, even in our lonely exile. Even in our darkness.
Emmanuel, the Hebrew name for “God is with us,” first appears in Sacred Scripture seven centuries before the Birth of the Messiah. In the Book of the Prophet Isaiah (7:10-17), Emmanuel is the name of a child whose birth the Prophet announced to King Ahaz because the Kingdom of Judah was under attack. Isaiah called upon the king to do nothing but trust because the attacking rivals would soon be rendered powerless.
Isaiah’s prophecy, repeated in the Infancy Narrative of the Gospel of Matthew (1:23), came in words now familiar to us in Advent: “Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Emmanuel.”
The beautiful, traditional Advent chant, “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,” begins with a proclamation that the coming Messiah will “ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appears.” In Scripture, “Israel” was a name before it became a people and place, and it is a name with a specific meaning in Hebrew: “one who struggles with God.”
Like many in Scripture whose lives had been transformed, this new name was bestowed by Divine Word upon Jacob, the younger of twin sons born to Isaac and Rebekah – the other being Esau. Jacob, grandson of Abraham and Sarah, was given the name, Israel, after contending with an angel in the Book of Genesis (32:28). His twelve sons gave their names to the Twelve Tribes of Israel, thus their descendants became the “children of Israel.”
I, too, am a child of Israel. I use the name in its personal sense related to its initial meaning. Like so many of you, I, too, have struggled with God. I especially struggle with God in dark times. I do not have a better way to describe this other than to say that in the last few months behind these captive walls, I have been touched by a darkness that is slow to leave me.
For anyone who has ever felt so touched, I don’t have to explain how all the joy and hope of this time of year only serves to magnify the gloom. It clings to me and resists my efforts to rid myself of it. So I have but one other option to listen to it, to let it be as it is, to make my peace with it, and then to use it in service to someone else.
WHEN DARKNESS FALLS
The present darkness is much more than seasonal depression. It descended upon me like a thief in the night. At the height of it, a good friend asked me in a telephone conversation why I have been unresponsive to any discussion about centering our lives on the love of Jesus.
I certainly believe in the love of Christ, and I most certainly hope for it and revere Him for it, but on a most fundamental level I have for some time been unable to stand in its light and rejoice in it. Twenty-four years of struggle with injustice has had the effect of smothering that flame to an ember at times. The present darkness has been one of these times.
I know that many of you reading this have the same experience. I know that many of you who have walked in darkness still await that Great Light promised by the Prophet Isaiah, not so much
upon you – for I assure you that it is already upon you – but rather experienced in that deep well within you. The Prophecy came in words very familiar to us in the First Reading for the Christmas Mass at Midnight:
“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light. For those who dwelt in the land of gloom, a light has shone… The yoke that burdened them, the pole on their shoulder, the rod of their taskmaster, you have smashed as on the day of Midian… For a child is born for us, a son is given to us. Upon him dominion rests. They name him Wonder Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:2,6)
I know the darkness that has touched me. I can pinpoint its onset. Many of you reading this now know of the multi-part story we told here in recent months beginning with my post, “Pornchai Moontri: Bangkok to Bangor, Survivor of the Night.” In their many comments, readers described it in words like “overwhelming,” “powerful,” “shattering,” and yet also filled with the profound threads of Divine Mercy.
For many, the power of grace is a bright light upon that story, and in the end, the darkness could not overcome it. The yoke that burdened our friend and held him captive has been smashed. But in its aftermath, the yoke upon me has only grown heavier. Like much that is traumatic, this story has a resonance that continuously summons me back to it. For me, that echo rebounds on what came after.
In September of this year, Richard Alan Bailey, the person who so horribly abused Pornchai as a child, was finally brought to justice, and found to be guilty of forty charges of violent sexual assault, a mere fraction of the true number of his crimes. The story might have ended there for me, but it didn’t.
As with all court hearings, a transcript of that hearing was produced and sent to us… I had an inkling that perhaps Pornchai should be spared from reading it, so I asked him not to. I read it instead. Now I wish I hadn’t.
A District Attorney, who had conducted in-depth forensic interviews with Pornchai and other witnesses, presented the case for prosecution. The result was a graphic display of the systematic evil that was perpetrated upon Pornchai between his arrival in the United States from Thailand at age 12 in 1985 and his fleeing to live as a homeless teenager on the streets of Bangor, Maine from ages 14 to 18 from 1987 to 1992.
The court transcript was page after page of the most vile evil one human being can inflict upon another. I was sickened by it, and have been overcome with grief for what my friend suffered. I am no stranger to pain and suffering, but never before had I been touched by the knowledge of such evil. My friend was a victim of human trafficking, exploitation, and torture.
In the strangest twists and turns of the “Threads of the Tapestry of God,” it fell to me, a falsely accused and wrongly imprisoned priest, to draw this story out of Pornchai and expel it. It was
like an exorcism that took 12 years to bring about. Only I didn’t bring it about at all. I am only an instrument of that peace, and now I am left with its resonance.
One of the chapters in the aftermath of this story was written by Father George David Byers who, at the request of bishops in countries around the world, has been Jesus’ exorcist for real exorcisms. He entitled his account, “Fr. Gordon MacRae & Pornchai Moontri: Captives of Irony Incarnate.”
The “irony incarnate” is that this 12-year-long odyssey to free the psyche and soul of Pornchai Moontri has been playing out constantly against the backdrop of the sexual abuse crisis in the Church and priesthood, a millstone around my neck that has thwarted justice for 24 years. Exactly half of that time, 12 years, has been spent in the company of Pornchai. I live with the resonance of the priesthood crisis as well, and all that Pornchai and I have endured together has been magnified by it.
Bridging these two stories – what happened to Pornchai and what is happening right now in the Church and priesthood – seems impossible, but feels inevitable. The events that devastated Pornchai’s life and nearly destroyed his soul all happened at the same time that Catholic scandal became fodder for the news media. As the sexual abuse story was first surfacing into awareness in Boston, the horrific events in the transcript I read were happening to Pornchai just 100 miles away in Maine.
I cannot inflict upon you the graphic details that I read in those transcripts, and I won’t. But I must tell you that the very first story out of Boston that drew the Catholic scandal into the harsh glare of a spotlight was that of Father John Geoghan. Once the story – and the money – began to flow, he was accused by more grown men than I can count. But because the stories of his misconduct were from so long ago, only one could be subjected to a trial.
I have read that transcript as well. The account goes something like this. A 22-year-old man testified under oath that when he was eleven years old he was in a YMCA swimming pool. While trying to climb out, a man known to him as Father John Geoghan came up behind him in the pool and, under the guise of helping him to climb out, squeezed his buttocks. The man claimed to suffer 11 years of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from this incident worthy of a prison sentence for the elderly priest and a six-figure settlement for the victim.
The priest was sentenced to nine years in prison for this. And when Massachusetts prison officials erroneously transferred him to a dangerous environment in a maximum security prison, Geoghan was beaten to death there. In contrast, Richard Alan Bailey, now convicted of over forty counts of violent, unthinkable sexual assault on a child of the same age, and at the same time, was sentenced to probation.
I do not at all claim that Father Geoghan was innocent. He was out of control, and Boston church officials looked the other way believing that the clerical culture of Boston’s Catholic community would always provide cover. But right under the noses of New England this other story raged on just miles away, and no one did anything about it.
UNTIL THE SON OF GOD APPEARS
I just read that a number of United States bishops, in a futile effort to appease the news media and the court of public opinions plan to release to the public a list of all priests ever accused in several states. Not convicted, not imprisoned, just accused. Many are deceased.
These bishops are also establishing multi-million dollar funds from which plaintiffs both new and old can be compensated. The notion that this can induce false claims is either lost on them, or just doesn’t matter.
I am struggling in the dark to make any sense of the parallel stories of the victimization of Pornchai Moontri and the scandal in the Catholic Church. The love of Jesus – not to mention His mercy – became Pornchai Moontri’s salvation while it appears entirely disregarded in the Catholic abuse narrative.
Talk of mercy and truth is replaced by talk of money and zero tolerance. The betrayals, on multiple levels, run deep, and it is the Gospel itself that is betrayed. This is the present darkness that looms heavily between my life as a man and as a priest and the Church’s most fundamental mission to preach and live The Way, The Truth, and The Life.
I mentioned in my recent post, “Living in the Present in the Presence of Christ the King” that “Israel and all the subjects of the kingdom of God to follow had a sinful nature, subject to corruption. Chaos brought about in them the desire for a king while God steered human history toward His Kingdom.” Is this story also steered toward something redemptive? Pornchai Moontri thinks it is.
But for me, for the moment – and as usual in spite of myself – I am led to a consolation I had not looked for as I struggle with God in my exile and anger. Not even consciously anticipating the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception that follows this post, I came upon these passages spoken from the Heart of the Lord in the journal, In Sinu Jesu.
“These are days of grace for the Church and for the world, because the mystery of My Mother’s Immaculate Conception is a wellspring of pure light for all who dwell in the shadows of this earthly exile where the Church, My Church, makes her way as a pilgrim amidst great sorrows, persecutions, and attacks from below…
“It is My Mother who makes even the darkest night bright with the radiance of her beauty and, in doing so, she comforts souls who see nought but darkness all around them, and she leads them on securely and in a great inner peace.
“Souls who look to My Mother as to their star shining in the night will never go astray and will never lose sight of the path that leads to me and to the glory of My kingdom…” (In Sinu Jesu, p. 255).
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.
Editor’s Note: Please share this post, and continue your Advent journey to prepare the way of the Lord with these other Advent posts:
- The Parable of a Prisoner by Michael Brandon
- Joseph’s Dream and the Birth of the Messiah
- I Come to the Catholic Church Looking for Healing and Hope by Pornchai Moontri
- Advent of the Mother of God
Kelly says
December 11, 2018 at 12:41 AMWhy does the knowledge of evil cause so much pain? The despair clinging to the darkness only exists because of one’s intimate encounter with goodness. It is the contrast of darkness and light that allows us to identify the injustices! It hurts to our core to be exposed to evil either directly as its victim or indirectly as the witness to its diabolical effects.
Ironically, the deep despair you are carrying is evidence of the good within alive in your being! Christ is the lamb slaughtered in the ultimate trial of exacting punishment on the innocent. Everyone around him was profoundly changed by this sudden turn of events. From the loyal friends who ran away to the criminals put to death next to him. Each person’s encounter with this evil was soul wrenching.
And yet here we are 2000 plus years later celebrating the incarnation of the little babe who came with promise that evil shall not triumph….justice will be satisfied. In these long days of winter, focus on the smallest glimmer of light in your inner thoughts and allow that light to dispel the darkness.
Maria Stella says
December 11, 2018 at 9:18 AMBeautiful comment. Thank you Kelly.
Fr. G, doubling my prayers for you this Advent. Praying that you will experience deep joy this Christmas.
Barbara Maclellan says
December 10, 2018 at 8:21 AMDear Father
Please know that I am praying for you and Pornchai. It must be so hard with all the injustice . I read your article and know that everything is upside down and backwards in the world.
I pray your faith in Jesus will overcome the darkness.
Our children at Adoration 6 of them pray for you as well.
We need prayers as well for our family. Barbara Maclellan
Patty says
December 10, 2018 at 7:36 AMDear Fr. Gordon,
I hope all is well and that you can muster at least some Christmas spirit as we get ready to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
Last night we took a trip down to Manhattan to see a performance of Handel’s Messiah, (one of my all time favorite works of classical music) and while I was sitting there, enjoying the beautiful music, you were very much on my mind. The event was held at an old Presbyterian church on Park Ave., one of Manhattan’s wealthiest neighborhoods, and the acoustics as well as the music, were sublime. I wished that you could be there with us to see, hear and share the experience, it was that uplifting.
I sincerely hope that you are able to listen to music where you are- if so, please let me know if I can send you a CD of the Messiah and how I would go about doing so. Or if there’s another format that works, please let me know that as well.
Another reason I though of you was because of the vitality of that congregation- I was shocked at how young everyone was, including the Pastor. Of course at my age, everyone seems a lot younger than they are, but I’m sure you know what I mean. The Pastor spoke before the performance and my guess is that he’s probably in his 40s. He was eloquent and passionate about the parish and all the work they’ve done in the last few years to repair and renovate the beautiful church, as well as all the other initiatives they’ve done to revive their parish. The hall was filled with parishioners and guests and again, I was thrilled to see that the majority of them did not have gray hair and glasses! All in all I got the impression that this was a very successful church with many dedicated people who were investing their time and money to make their church great again.
Then I couldn’t help but compare this to my current experiences with my local Catholic church which is so depressing that they don’t seem to be able to muster any Christmas spirit or enthusiasm in the parish. I have no idea how they are doing financially, but they do have 2 churches and a well attended school that is in no danger of closing. The old monsignor is a horror who almost ruined my mom’s wake with his appearance and BS “eulogy” that was an absolute insult to her memory. The new priest who heads the parish, is a dullard who can barely communicate on the lowest level and who is totally uninspiring at least as far as I can tell. I do know from friends that they are losing people left and right and morale is very low.
It seems obvious to me as an outsider, that there are so many things that can be done to save this parish, yet I know they will never happen because there is no leadership, no creativity, no spark of inspiration that would attract people. And this is the problem all over with the Catholic church, at least in my estimation. Meanwhile, we have a true priest like yourself who has inspired probably thousands of people of all faiths with your writing and your message and somehow you end up in prison! What is wrong with this picture??
Once again, my heart goes out to you and I do wish you could be with us during this joyous time. I know that your faith is so strong that you will always be a rock and an inspiration to those around you, if that is any small consolation. Please keep me in your prayers and I will do likewise. We both have seen too many miracles to think that God will ever let us down.
All the best,
Patty
Fr.Stuart MacDonald says
December 7, 2018 at 12:21 PMDear Father Gordon
I read your post and needed to let it sink in. Your pain comes through loud and clear. I can imagine how much it took out of you to write it. My heart aches because I can sense your pain while admitting that I can’t really begin to know the torment you are living. What to say or do, Fr. Gordon? Tell you, don’t worry, Jesus loves you? Hah! Pious claptrap. Our Lord knew that the Father loved Him; but, it didn’t take away His anguish and pain in the Garden of Gethsemane. I fear there is nothing to say or do but to sit with you at a distance and share your passion. To be united with you in prayer, especially every day at the altar when I ask God to be mindful of you, is, I desperately hope, a small consolation to you.
After reading your post I saw an article about a victim of a priest who is protesting outside a parish where the now-convicted priest used to serve. I read the following and wanted to scream. Wanted to scream, “It’s never been about the victims, never been about the truth!!! And it still isn’t, despite all the talk!” I think you’ll see why from this excerpt of the article:
“Back in September, after another protest, he [the victim] sat down to talk with [the] Bishop. The two planned to meet and talk again but that second meeting never happened. He called me back two months later and said he couldn’t talk to me because of the litigation I started with the diocese. […] Reached Tuesday, the diocese office said there would be no comment on [the] protest, which it was aware of, due to the lawsuit.”
When are we going to reach out to the real victims, as this man, I think, is? When are they going to be more important that money? Instead of trying to win back credibility with the world, when are we firstly going to seek to be right with God by searching for the truth of so many claims, by seeking justice for accused clergy and real victims with due process so that the truth, as best as it can be ascertained, can be had? Until we get it right with God, we will never have credibility with the faithful, let alone the world.
Months of probation for a sexually predating monster; decades in prison for an innocent priest. It does not make sense. We have gone so terribly wrong and the real victims are suffering because of it. Come, Lord, to judge the living and the dead. Come. O come, quickly.
Yours,
Fr. Stuart
Helen says
December 6, 2018 at 6:15 AMFather Gordon, Pornchai, what possible words of comfort and hope could I possibly promise or send you? Your Calvary has been so severe and so long. Is there any relief for the “dark night of the soul/senses”?
How could a friend, someone who wants the best for a suffering servant, possibly help to take up his cross? I don’t know. I wish I did. Promises of belief, love and prayers simply don’t suffice. You surely do yank on the strings of my heart. It hurts. Helplessness is a cruel punishment.
As I was reading your post, this week, thoughts of St. Mother Teresa’s darkness was running thru my mind. She may be a great ambassador of prayer for you both. I will ask her to pray for you, too. She used to pray the “Emergency Prayer” when needed:
The Mother Teresa Emergency Novena
In an emergency say the Memorare prayer 9 times in a row.
This is the prayer:
Remember O most loving Virgin Mary that never was it known in any age that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help or sought your intercession was left unaided, inspired by this confidence, therefore I fly to thee O Virgin of Virgins my Mother, to you do I come, before you I stand sinful and sorrowful, do not O Mother of the Word Incarnate despise my prayers but in thy mercy graciously hear and answer them.
Amen.
God bless you, help you, hold you in the center of His loving Heart…and strengthen you for the rest of this horrific trial. Please be comforted in the fact that our Mama is holding you, already…and that your friends are also offering loving prayers for you both, too.
ALWAYS IN MY HEART…I am your forever fan,
Helen
Maria Stella says
December 6, 2018 at 11:31 AMHelen, Mother Teresa’s prayer that you write about in your comment is the one( the Memorare) I pray daily for Fr. Gordon, Pornchai-Max and several of Fr. Gordon’s spiritual sons in prison. I also pray the St. Michael’s prayers after my daily rosary.
Fr. G, it is hurts at a heart level to know of the darkness you are experiencing. It seems to me that in taking upon youself to read the court transcript of the sexual abuse suffered by Pornchai-Max you tried to prevent Pornchai-Max from reliving his abuse. Again I say it, you are indeed an alter Christus. And know this: in witnessing your suffering I get an inkling of what Our Lord suffered for us and I love Him more and more. Father G you are drawing souls to Christ – not only those in Prison with you but those in invisible prisons – on the outside.
I understand a little your anger and grief. I think for me, if I were in your position, my anger at the injustice would consume me. I pray that somehow you will get through this darkness. Know that you have people praying for you and who love you. Some of them you have not heard of…like the person who commented on a youtube channel about the injustice done to you, and whose comment I sent you.
God bless you Fr. G, and you too Helen. Thank you both so much for your faith and faithfulness.
Frances South says
December 6, 2018 at 1:35 AMFather Gordon, please know you are held in prayer every day. Thank you for your honest writing. God bless you.
M says
December 5, 2018 at 7:40 PMYou are so right Father G. It is Mary who understands the pain of seeing someone you love suffer at the hand of evil people better than any other soul on earth. She knows that pain She shares our pain.
God bless you Father G. You are a priest in the order of Melchizedek now and forever more. No one can ever take that away from you. It is Christ who called you and even if you never receive earthly justice Divine Justice shall prevail.
Blessings to you, Pornchai and the rest of the crew.
Viktor & Alice Weyand says
December 5, 2018 at 6:18 PMFr G , looking forward to spending time with you , Max , Claire and Mike , each year we look forward to this special time with you. Unless your readers have had this experience they can not imagine what you and Max are dealing with on a daily and yearly basis. Anyone feeling down or sorry for themselves just needs to read your posts and right away will see how good we have it.
Fr G , just think of all the good you have accomplished in your confinement, not the parish you would have chosen , but the difference you have made in the lives of many of your fellow inmates and especially in the life of your soul mate Max , maybe has been ordained by a higher being
See you soon
Viktor & Alice
MaryJean Diemer says
December 5, 2018 at 5:53 PMOne of the hardest things for someone to do is watch a loved one suffer in some way and not be able to physically do anything about it.We never lose the ability to pray for that person and hold them up to Our Mother and Our Lord. You are prayed for every day at Mass as well as Max and all in that prison. May the Immaculate Mother b e with you most especially at this time.
Sending love and prayers. Jeannie
Paul says
December 5, 2018 at 5:18 PMThe final quote of your article is very powerful. Reminds me of three things combining in some way. Mother Theresa saying you can’t love someone you are judging. Lot’s wife turning around to look back. A violent episode of a tv ww2 series Pacific I was shown where an officer tells a grunt about the horrid scenes all around him ‘don’t dwell on it’. The Anima Christi also comes to mind. It was bad, real bad, all bad. I have a very hard time staying through mass, seeing all the harm the men of the church top to bottom are still inflicting and I have to get up and run out. Eye on the prize, all else is distraction. Justice and bureaucratic priests wont get me to heaven, only me focussing on the prize, living the faith out as a show of love for Him, and God’s Mercy. Trusting in any man of any title, district attorney or bishop or pope, is self-inflicted stupidity.
Claire Dion says
December 5, 2018 at 9:47 AMDear Fr. Gordon, I could feel your pain as I read this and know that you have also been abused. You spend your days in prison innocent but condemned. You also journey with Pornchai as he relives the sexual abuse he has suffered. Yes, many persons have been sexually abused by priests, and that is awful, but I have yet to read of a victim who has endured what Pornchai has endured. Over the past year I have personally gotten to know Pornchai as I visited him in prison. What I have witnessed is a beautiful man who still suffers greatly from the horrid abuse he has endured as a child but a man who has brought Jesus and His Blessed Mother into his life. This has given Pornchai the grace to be able to forgive his abuser. Fr Gordon you are not only a priestly father to us all but I feel you have become the loving father to Pornchai that he never had. Through you grace has flowed to Pornchai. You are a beautiful gift God has given him and we are all blessed to call you friend. Love you dear Father Gordon.